Columbia-Penn Matchup Headlines a Busy Football Weekend

This week’s slate of Ancient Eight action features Godfather-lookalikes, sparrow serial killers, and Cornell. Let’s not waste any time getting into the picks:

PRINCETON AT BROWN

Last Saturday, Princeton faced a 10-0 deficit against Georgetown with 7:41 left in the first quarter. Over the next 33 minutes, the Tigers went on a 50-0 run.

Let that number sink in—50 straight points! That’s more of a disproportionate response than imprisoning Jean Valjean for stealing a loaf of bread.

Picked to top the Ivy League, Princeton sits 0-1 in Ancient Eight play after a shocking loss to Columbia. This weekend, the Tigers will seek revenge at Brown.

Odds are that the Bears won’t fight back. The 2-2 football team has alternated wins with losses. Last weekend, Brown fell to a program called the Hatters that previously was 0-5.

Led by senior quarterback Chad Kanoff, Princeton will feast on the Bears, while Brown players struggle to find any offensive crumbs. Maybe Jean Valjean can offer some advice.

PICK: Princeton 34, Brown 10.

PENN AT COLUMBIA

This matchup is all about Columbia coach Al Bagnoli, my second-favorite person in Ivy League football.

There are many reasons to like Bagnoli, who gives wonderful interviews and looks like an older version of Michael Corleone. (I can say this because I own The Godfather and my last name is Danello.) Bagnoli epitomizes an American success story—he was born in New Haven but made it to New York. How can you not like this guy?

In the past two seasons, admiration for Bagnoli mixed with pity, as his Lions assumed their traditional role as Ancient Eight doormat. Well, the times have changed. Columbia boasts a 4-0 record. Last week, John Feinstein—yes, that John Feinstein—wrote a column called “‘There’s actually hype around Columbia football’: A longtime punchline is 4-0.” These Lions can roar.

The problem is, Bagnoli is running into my favorite person in Ivy League football. His name is Justin Watson (senior wide receiver), and he will not lose to Columbia. Have you ever read the Book of Revelation? Let me save you the time—Watson descends to earth on a chariot of offensive linemen, and he collects 11 catches for 150 yards and two touchdowns.

I don’t care who covers Watson. I’m never betting against The Terminator.

PICK: Penn 24, Columbia 21

BUCKNELL AT CORNELL

Cornell, I owe you an apology.

For years, I’ve described you as a cloudy wasteland where industries, stray animals, and dreams go to die. Well, last weekend, I made the trip to Ithaca, N.Y., and I wanted to say that I was mistaken. The sun came out.

Remarkably, the afternoon light wasn’t the largest upset on the day. The Big Red overpowered Harvard for 233 rushing yards and a 17-14 win.

Bucknell stands in the way of a second victory. Opponents have pummeled the Bison for 144 rushing yards per game. PETA probably would step in if it weren’t so busy at Yale (more on that storyline later).

A motivated, run-dominant Cornell. A hapless, run-vulnerable Bucknell. This combination seems to make for an easy pick. But the Big Red never meets expectations.

Cornell fans, prepare for some darkness—both literal and metaphorical—this weekend.

PICK: Bucknell 25, Cornell 13.

DARTMOUTH AT SACRED HEART

Strange things happen when you spend too much time in the woods. Take the Dartmouth football team, which has won a string of wacky games.

The season started with a 38-7 whopping of Stetson—no drama there. Then came perhaps the wildest contest in recent Ivy memory. With three seconds left, the Big Green blocked a game-tying extra point, returned it for a safety, but went to overtime after a penalty whistle. In the extra period, Dartmouth won, 27-26, on a stop on a two-point conversion.

How to follow up that act? How about with a last-second win over Penn on a fourth-and-inches touchdown?

Last weekend, Dartmouth merely completed the largest comeback in program history, erasing a 21-0 deficit to Yale. The winning score came on a fourth-down throw with 34 seconds left.

During the offseason, Big Green players must have wondered into the wilderness, found the devil, and sold their collective soul. That’s the only way to explain this nonsense.

Dartmouth should probably crush Sacred Heart, which has lost three straight. But knowing recent history, the Big Green will probably win on a last-second safety when a moose carries Sacred Heart quarterback Kevin Duke out the back of the end zone.

PICK: Dartmouth 36, Sacred Heart 23.

LAFAYETTE AT HARVARD

Established in 1826, Lafayette College was named after Marquis de Lafayette, who had toured the United States the year before. College officials decided to stick with the French hero’s surname rather than his full one—Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier de Lafayette.

Alternatively, founders could have used Lafayette’s nickname: “The Hero of Two Worlds.” Switch “Worlds” with “Games” and you have an apt description of the Leopards football team. Lafayette has claimed two victories and looked pathetic otherwise. Those two wins, however, have come in the past two weeks, which means that the Leopards visit Harvard with a head of steam.

The Crimson, meanwhile, is reeling from a loss to Cornell that made the defense look more ramshackle than Adams House. Harvard will respond, assuming the team can field 11 players. Last week, injuries sidelined defensive mainstays D.J. Bailey (defensive lineman), Stone Hart (defensive lineman), and Wes Obsbury (cornerback).

This year’s team is better than the record indicates. I believe so firmly. Even so, Saturday marks a serious test.

PICK: Harvard 31, Lafayette 17.

HOLY CROSS AT YALE

Last Saturday, 15 Yale students gathered to protest the deaths of sparrows. The activists held signs that read, “At Yale, the Caged Bird Dies.” The signs might have read, “At Yale, This is What Social Life Looks Like.”

Those 15 firebrands had come to draw attention to postdoctoral associate Christine Lattin. Backed by PETA, the students have accused Lattin of killing over 250 birds over her career.

“A lot of the research that’s being done at Yale is people in white lab coats,” one protester said. “They’re barbarians, in my opinion, masquerading as scientists.”

That same day, The Yale Daily News published an articled called “Locals Teach Chicken Raising.” The piece detailed the efforts of citizens to raise hens on residential properties.

“No matter what is going on,” one citizen said, “you can always count on chickens.” Unless you’re wearing a white lab coat, apparently.

Why do I mention these avian plotlines? Because Yale will take flight Saturday. Bulldogs don’t normally fly, but this program is putting up 470 yards of offense per game.

Saturday will be a day of canine joy. PETA, you may want to watch this one.

PICK: Yale 41, Holy Cross 27.

—Staff writer Sam Danello can be reached at sam.danello@thecrimson.com.