FM Imagines: Celebrity Cover Letters

a non-application for harvard alum. assocation poet laureate:

to whom it may concern (a poem)

my life hangs on a silver thread

which, at any moment, could be snipped,

(and into the abyss i fall)

sweet harvard

this is not an application

i reject all conventional notions of work and success

(i write simply to remind you of my current unemployment)

i must take my rightful place

in this sinking ship that is life

and that place can only be found

within the bleeding hearts of harvard poets

(and among a whimsical nostalgia for days past)

i yearn to again feel the Harvard community,

to hear the

throbbing

pulse

of crimson pride and

solidarity

let this letter serve as a

plea

an utterance of

yearning

the choice is yours,

e.e. cummings

***

Application for Position of Director at HUHS:

To whom it may concern,

I have had the honor of working as the Secretary of Health and Human Services for the past several months. In this position, I have spoken on behalf of our fine department to hospitals and families across the country. After 231 exhilarating days, I have discovered my talents may be put to better use elsewhere.

I think that Harvard University Health Services could benefit hugely from my expertise. I know some recent political hiccups have led the American people to believe that my passion for health and human services is less than sincere. However, this could not be farther from the truth—I poured my heart and soul into tearing down universal healthcare, and if I want a ride on a jet, God dammit, I think I deserve at least that.

Budgetary strategy is one of my strong points. I know critics will say, “He blew a million dollars on private travel!” I beg you to think of it this way—it only cost me $1 million to charter those flights. Do you know how much private planes normally cost? Military jets? I don’t think you do. $1 million is downright frugal.

I am truly in touch with the health concerns of average Americans, and Harvard students of all economic backgrounds can feel comfortable knowing that I am making informed decisions about their health. I will strive to make healthcare available to all regardless of socioeconomic status—except, of course, where birth control is involved. Birth control isn’t healthcare. And don’t even get me started on abortion. These conversations, though, can be had once I’m sitting at my desk in Cambridge. So whaddya say?

Best,

Tom Price

***

To Harvard, Love Taylor:

Hey President Faust,

I’m writing to offer Harvard an exciting opportunity to work with one of the most successful artists of this generation. I’m referring, of course, to myself. I’d like to offer Harvard the chance to promote my new album, “Reputation.” The clauses are as follows:

[1] The cover of my new album, “Reputation,” will appear on the side of Widener Library. Permanently.

[2] The face of the John Harvard statue will be temporarily covered with an image of my new album, “Reputation,” complete with an active QR code allowing students to scan for an increased chance at obtaining concert tickets.

[3] Dean of the College Rakesh Khurana will clear his Instagram and begin posting promotional content for my new album, “Reputation.” Management will be in touch with relevant video content.

[4] I will be awarded the status of HAA Poet Laureate and will accept the honor at the red carpet debut for my new album, “Reputation.”

I’ve heard that you’re considering giving this position to e. e. cummings, and I think it’s frankly sexist. As I’ve said before, there’s a special place in Hell for women who don’t help other women. There’s nothing I hate more than conflict; but, if you disagree, there is nothing I do better than revenge.

Hugs and Kisses,

Taylor