FM Imagines: The Presidential Candidates Run for UC

The world’s leading political scientists, top newspapers, and esteemed voters of Harvard College know that this year’s election will be one to remember. A zany cast of characters defines this unprecedented political season. Meanwhile, Harvard undergraduates will soon eagerly cast their ballots to determine this year’s president of the Undergraduate Council. FM imagines what the UC campaigns would look like if the current presidential candidates were on the ballot.

Gary E. Johnson:

Gary Johnson’s libertarian candidacy began with high hopes. With backing from those alienated by the more mainstream candidates, Johnson capitalized on disillusionment among College students with his alternative campaign. However, Johnson has been treading rough waters as a result of his disastrous interview with The Harvard Crimson. When asked his opinion on the Porcellian’s “open” punch, he infamously made a gaffe by replying “[w]hat is the Porcellian?” His campaign has not recovered since.

Jill E. Stein:

Jill Stein’s candidacy was seen early on as the spiritual successor to the failed campaign of popular upperclassman Bernie Sanders, but her campaign has struggled to pick up where the Bern left off. Hailing from Winthrop swing housing, Stein started off with a fractured base of support. She ran into further trouble after joining a protest regarding HUDS workers' compensation, which ended with her graffitiing the John Harvard statue—an act of protest that was recorded on video and sent to HUPD. There is currently a warrant out for her arrest.

Hillary R. Clinton:

Clinton easily boasts the most impressive resume of this year’s set of candidates: In high school, she was on the student council and led her Model UN team... to a disastrous loss against Libya. (She even dated the class president.) Despite this past record of success, one of the more significant clefts in Clinton’s historic campaign has been the controversy surrounding her Harvard email account. She’s received backlash from all sides for allegedly attempting to delete 30,000 Harambe-related emails that she had sent to the Class of 2020 mailing list. Clinton and her top advisers—including former Dean of the College Evelynn M. Hammonds—claim that she was simply trying to inform the freshman class about her policy measures. Her opponents, aiming to have her reviewed by the Ad Board, have leveled accusations that these actions constitute a breach of the Harvard Honor Code. Hillary’s health has also come into question during the past month, as several eyewitnesses have reported her numerous trips to Harvard University Health Services. Despite speculation by many Trump fans that she has contracted the mumps, Clinton claims that it’s just pneumonia.

Donald J. Trump: