Epistolary Etiquette: How to Tell Your Roommate His Plant Is Dead
Dear Roommate,
We’ve had some good times together, I won’t deny that. Last semester was chock full of cherished memories. If I could do it again, there’s nothing I would change. But we went away for winter break, and things are different now. You know they are. I see you denying it. I see you averting your eyes as you walk by, but this is real and something we need to talk about if we’re going to move forward as a room. I know it’s going to hurt. I know you’d rather just ignore it. But you need to hear this.
Your plant is dead.
It was real fun when you bought it. We all felt so adult having some honest-to-goodness living foliage in our room. People came in and marveled. It even helped us in our romantic endeavors, impressing upon all manner of guests that we were mature, quirky, and responsible. I came to think of the plant as I would think of a close friend.
That was last semester. This is now. What was once a verdant testament to the lusciousness of nature is now a shriveling, decrepit husk, shedding its carcass all over our common room. And no, it doesn’t “still look all right.” It looks dead. It’s brown and crumbly, and now when people walk in and see it, they think that we’re filthy slobs who can’t keep a simple little plant alive. For at least one of us, they’re quite right.
What is to be done, you ask? How can we possibly overcome this tragedy that has befallen us? Is there any way that we can band together and soldier on?
Yes. Yes. Of course there is. You can throw the damn thing out. I cannot possibly believe that you haven’t thought of that. I can’t fathom a world in which you walk by our resident corpse everyday and think to yourself, “Nothing to be done here.” And I’m sorry, the environment doesn’t give a shit that you want to “return it to nature.” The coal companies won’t look at you and reconsider their actions. Just put it in a bag, and throw it in the bin.
To recap: Your plant is dead. Clean up after yourself.
Best,
Your Loving Roommate
