Arts Vanity: Things That are Wrong with ‘Harry Potter and the Cursed Child’

So, here’s the thing.

We reviewed a lot of books this year. A lot of really good books, actually: “Swing Time” by Zadie Smith, “Imagine Me Gone” by Adam Haslett, “Float” by Anne Carson. By all accounts, a strong pool of candidates for the top honors.

For some reason, though, you asshats voted for “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” as the best book of 2016. (I’m not even going to talk about “Miscellaneous Adult Coloring Books.”) This is nothing more than an egregious, humiliating, horrifying mistake—maybe even a Donald Trump-level upset—for the following reasons:

(Heads up on some minor spoilers.)

1. The thing sounds like fan fiction. Bad fan fiction. Fan fiction written by my 13-year-old self, username: “teamdramione15xoxo.”

2. Hermione would not have become nasty, mean, or vindictive without Ron. She’s inherently kind and also a totally awesome feminist icon who don’t need no man. (Down with the patriarchy.)

3. Ginny is smart and awesome and good for a lot more than making sympathetic mom noises at everyone. (Down with the patriarchy.)

4. Ron is not a jokester. That’s Fred and George. All having the same red hair ≠ all being the same person.

5. It should really take more than a mildly embarrassing moment in high school to make someone pledge their life to an inhuman wizard Nazi.

6. Unclear how a fragment of an evil soul attached to another soul via a backfired curse can be genetically transmitted.

7. “Minister for Magic” or “Minister of Magic?” Different. Could have been sorted out ahead of time with a simple Google search or a post on Yahoo! Answers.

8. Voldemort had sex. Voldemort had a child. Okay. First, Voldemort’s whole goal was to live forever all by himself because he thought he would never be defeated. There would be absolutely no reason for him to want or need an heir. Second, Voldemort scorns anything resembling dependence, affection, or intimacy, but you’re telling me that he had sex?! On that note, his body was vaguely humanoid, but that’s pretty much it. He didn’t seem to eat or sleep, so there’s not a lot of indication that normal sexual functioning was a thing. So, basically, ew.

9. Trolley witch. I just… I can’t.

—Staff writer Charlotte L.R. Anrig is the outgoing Books exec and the incoming Pizza Exec.