AROUND THE IVIES: Harvard Football Still Waiting on a Real Challenge

“Hammerschlagen”—what does it mean?

Credible internet sources suggest a variety of answers. The word may mean “to beat with a hammer,” “hammer beating,” or “a game in which participants beat things with a hammer.” All valid.

As a football writer for The Harvard Crimson, however, I have special authority on the topic. “Hammerschlagen” has precisely one meaning, namely “the brutal, incessant, and pounding reality known as Ivy League football.”

Sometimes you’re a hammer, and sometimes you’re a nail. Simple as that.

After three weeks of play, Harvard football has yet to bend beneath the cruel metal of domination. The team is 3-0, but all the players are hungry. Literally they are hungry. Literally. All of them have limited access to food because HUDS went on strike, leaving behind mysterious items such as “Harvest Vegetable Pyramids.”

What can we students do, hunt squirrels in Harvard Square? I believe in workers’ rights, but squirrels are fast and devious creatures. It’s a tough situation. Everyone hoards protein like French citizens before the Revolution, and there are no hard-boiled eggs at breakfast.

Needless to say, I need activities such as this column to distract me from starvation. We have a DELICIOUS offering of games this weekend. Indeed the Ancient Eight in 2016 is as varied as sports writer Julio Fierro’s collection of Patagonia fleeces.

Before diving into details, however, I’m contractually obligated to assert my status as veteran football beat writer. Gant and Jack, I hope you enjoyed warming the Around the Ivies throne the last two weeks. Maybe you described the inadequacies of your dating life, and maybe you made wildly inaccurate predictions about Penn-Dartmouth. But really, who’s counting?

I’m counting, that’s who. And I expect my predictions this week to be as accurate as the nickname “Four-Beer Gant.” In other words, 100 percent accurate. Onto the hammerschlagen:

STETSON AT BROWN

The Waterboy (1998) tells the tale of a 31-year-old man named Bobby (Adam Sandler) who dreams of hydrating a local college team called the Mud Dogs. As Wikipedia details, players face many problems: “[T]hey have lost 40 consecutive games, their cheerleaders have become alcoholics, and players are forced to share equipment.” Tough times.

Many twists ensue—it turns out that Bobby’s assumed-dead father is living with a voodoo priestess, for example—but the movie ends happily. Bobby emerges as a bone-crushing linebacker, the Mud Dogs win the championship, and everyone is glad when the credits roll.

Parts of The Waterboy were filmed at Stetson University, and this cinematic fact may mark the University’s biggest claim to fame. Which tells you a lot about Stetson.

Let’s just say that it’d take the intervention of a voodoo priestess, rehabbed cheerleaders, and a Waterboy-style miracle for the Hatters to win.

Prediction: Brown 34, Stetson 14

DARTMOUTH AT YALE

Earlier this week, an enormous fire broke out at a Dartmouth dormitory. Frat prank gone wrong? Back-to-nature protest?

Neither one, it turned out. As local newspapers chronicled, “an unattended hibachi-style grill” caused the damage. For six hours the inferno raged, displacing 70 students. No word yet on the status of the steak.

It’s safe to say that wherever the Big Green goes, fire will follow. And on Saturday, Dartmouth will travel to Yale to inflict destruction on an 0-3 Bulldogs team.

Like an abandoned hibachi grill, New Haven, Conn. will be burning this weekend. As in, more than usual. And at the end of the day, the city will resemble a pile of ashes. Once again—as in, more than usual.

Prediction: Dartmouth 31, Yale 10

CENTRAL CONNECTICUT STATE AT PENN

Surely it’s demoralizing to play for the second-best Blue Devils program in college football.

Do you realize how specific that mascot is? Not just “the Devils”—which, when you think about, is a weird object of affection—but “the Blue Devils.” Loony.

Here, then, is my first prediction: A fight will break out when Central Connecticut plays Penn. Inferiority complexes die hard. It also helps that the Quakers sport an overpowered offense and a veteran defense.

Penn may put up bigger numbers than former sports writer David Freed’s story count. Or we can express the probability of this game through simple geography. An entire state trumps a partial one. Every. Single. Time.

Prediction: Penn 49, Central Connecticut State 10

CORNELL AT HARVARD

Don’t look now, but exciting times have come to Cornell. The University’s endowment made Bloomberg headlines, a 12-year-old student recently enrolled, and the football team has enough joy to tweet out a photo of “THE BIG SOMBRERO.”

On second take, however, all these sweet facts turn a little sour. Cornell’s endowment made the news because it lost 3.3 percent—worse even than Harvard. Sure, 12-year-old Jeremy started school, but he leaves every day when his parents pick him up. And “THE BIG SOMBRERO”? That one fell through when campus Latino groups took offense to it. As one student said, “A decent portion of Cornelians kind of don’t have sympathy for one another.” Hmmm.

The Big Red enters this weekend with a 3-0 record, fresh off a dramatic upset over No. 25 Colgate. No Ithaca team under coach David Archer has experienced such early success.

Even so, the crucial fact remains that Cornell football typically loses to Harvard football. Per usual it’ll be a long ride back to Ithaca.

Prediction: Harvard 24, Cornell 20

COLUMBIA AT WAGNER

First fact: Wagner College has graduated more Miss New Jerseys (three) than NFL players (two).

Second fact: When you search “Miss America arrested” on Google, the first three distinct results detail how: a former Miss Pennsylvania faked cancer; a former Miss America shoplifted nail polish and flashlight batteries, among other items; and a former Miss Kansas illegally killed a grizzly bear.

Synthesis of facts: Wagner contains beauty. But beauty can be dangerous.

It’s tempting to look at the Seahawks’ ranking just outside the FCS top 25 and predict a blowout victory. Lest we forget, Columbia is Columbia, meaning 0-3.

However, the Lions have grown from dysfunctional baby cubs into semi-functional preteens. We’re about 10 minutes into The Lion King.

Wagner will win, make no doubt, but the going will be tough. Slowly the Lions from Morningside Heights are climbing the rock.

Prediction: Wagner 17, Columbia 10

PRINCETON AT GEORGETOWN

RIP to the lost dogs. That headline accurately describes the scene at Texas A&M last year, when the Aggies re-interred seven canines who had served as mascots. Now fans can pay their respects before watching SEC football.

RIP to the lost dogs also foreshadows the outcome of this week’s Princeton-Georgetown mascot. Last Saturday the Tigers steamrolled over Columbia, rebounding from a high-scoring loss to Lehigh.

The Hoyas, meanwhile, were undefeated before a 31-17 defeat to the Harvard that sounded closer than it actually was. Besides two long scores, Georgetown totaled 116 yards and generally inspired pity.

Let me tell a final story to illustrate my point. Early this year, Harvard water polo coach Ted Minnis traveled to New Jersey for the Princeton Invitational. He rose to the occasion, flashing great ability throughout the weekend. The Crimson played three games and won all three - a truly happy ending.

Magical things happen at Princeton. That magic will stay with the Tigers when they trek to the nation’s capital.

Prediction: Princeton 34, Georgetown 13

—Staff writer Sam Danello can be reached at sam.danello@thecrimson.com