Hate It: Scooters

Here’s the fundamental problem with riding scooters on a college campus: They don’t help you in any way. Sure, maybe when you were a youth, riding a scooter was a way to tell the world you were independent, but the day you’re old enough to shave with a razor is the day you’re too old to ride one.

Now, you’re probably thinking: “Sure, scooters might be childish, but at least they get you places quicker than walking, right?” Wrong, they do not. Do I have empirical evidence verifying this statement? No, of course I don’t.

But I did watch someone ride a scooter through Harvard Yard on his way to Sever Hall—weaving back and forth trying to dodge tourists the whole way—and came to the con- clusion that scooter-riding is beyond inexpedi- ent; it’s remarkably slow.

The journey from Hollis to Emerson took him four minutes. FOUR MINUTES. As a comparison, it takes me two minutes to make that same journey even when I’m listening to Khia’s “My Neck, My Back” and doing the stanky leg on the way.

To repeat: The stanky leg is a quicker means of transportation than the scooter. And my leg isn’t even all that stanky.

At this point, you’re saying: “Yes, scooters might not be the most efficient means of transportation, but at least they make you look cool, right?” Wrong again; they make you look impotent and desperate for attention. As my friend Tim exclaimed while watching a man-bun wearing hipster zoom by us on his two- wheeler: “Riding a scooter is the quick and easy way to say to the world: ‘Hey, I’m a virgin!’”

As Hunter alludes to in his “Love It” column, not since Hansel in “Zoolander” has someone looked cool—and/or slayed—rocking shoulder-length hair and a scooter. After all, Hansel might have been “so hot right now” in 2001, but he’s not looking too good in 2015. The Owen Wilson of “Zoolander” is far from the Owen Wilson of “Marley and Me,” and even further from that of “Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb.”

Besides, Scooter is what you name your dog if you can’t think of something, and you already own a dog named Spot. Scooters are the two-wheeled mode of transportation you use when you don’t have a bike and are afraid to be seen walking alone.

Students of Harvard, I beg of you: Stop riding these ridiculous-looking, impractical, puerile substitutes for bikes around our cam- pus. It makes us seem uncool, it’s dangerous, and it’s counterproductive.

But hey, if your mission is to create the appearance of speed without actually getting anywhere quicker, go ahead and take your scooter out for a ride. I’d be happy to do the stanky leg alongside you.