Valentine's Day Gift Guide

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, those of us (i.e. not me) in relationships might be curious as to what to give their special someone. Well, luckily, I am an expert gift giver. Just ask my mom, who’s received the exact same Mother’s Day card for going on 10 years. Many Harvard students are tied, nay, married to their student clubs and organizations, so take a cue from what they’re spending one to five to 20 hours a week doing when considering what to bequeath your bae.

ELEGANZA
I’ve only been to Eleganza once, and it really gave me a headache. Still, I’ll never forget how shimmery and shiny and tanned all of the dancers/models appeared just weeks after Cambridge had thawed. If your Eleganza babe is anything like me right now, their skin is drier than the Sahara, so take a cue from middle-school-me and spring for some body glitter and a nice moisturizer.

ANSCOMBE SOCIETY
I would suggest not getting your abstinence-minded significant other condoms or birth control or a pregnancy test, unless you’re looking to send someone to Mt. Auburn with a stroke, or end a relationship. Instead, try a festive chastity belt, and leave room for Jesus!

HARVARD COLLEGE CONSULTING GROUP
It’s been a rough few weeks for your significant other, trying to sell him or herself to [Bain/McKinsey/BCG] and wade through case interviews in search of a summer internship. Give your lady a foot massage, because nothing sucks more than Cambridge winter in tasteful high heels, or get your man yet another conservative, but fashionable red tie.

HARVARD PRE-MEDICAL SOCIETY
Did anyone else watch the premiere of “The Bachelor” this most recent season? Reegan, a contestant whose Mike Fleiss-endowed profession is “donated tissue specialist,” shows up to give Bachelor Chris a cooler with an incredibly realistic fake human heart. So yeah, that’s what I imagine any future doctor might want. But hey, I barely passed my SLS Gen Ed.

HARVARD UNDERGRADUATE BEEKEEPERS
While I’m no expert in apiary culture or merchandising, you can bee sure that these beekeepers are taking full advantage of all the puns at their disposal this Valentine’s Day. You can bet that there will be no shortage of “Bee Mine” cards on Feb. 14, around the hives. Give your honey the bee’s knees.

MUNCH
Too easy. Moving on.

FIFTEEN MINUTES MAGAZINE
Your paramour is on the Crimson’s weekly student life magazine? She’s one of its chairs?! It’s me. If you’re looking to buy me a Valentine’s Day gift, here are some things I like to receive: dry Riesling, white peonies, Felipe’s, giant scarves, little chocolate penguins from Burdick’s. You can find me in the newsroom.