Drinky Drink: Punch

By Madison E. Gonzalez

Look, we get it. Socializing is hard. Being sober is hard. Competitively socializing while sober is borderline torturous. FM’s solution: pregame the hell out of your next punch event with these seasonal cocktails. They will give you both the stamina you need to make it through hours of shmoozing and the confidence you need to make conversation about something other than what House you live in/what final club your dad was in. Remember: Alcohol is the lubricant of all social situations.

SPEE-NOT GRIGIO

95% wine

5% women

First up, we have Spee-not Grigio, or wine with a sense of entitlement. Pairs nicely with the smug satisfaction you gain from getting more punches than your blockmates. A true achievement! Pour a new glass every time you see a taxidermied animal.

BEELINI

2 oz peach puree

4 oz Prosecco

If you’re already tipsy, that’s totally fine! As long as you can remember your name, concentration, and House, you’re all set. It’s time to hunker down with this next classy cocktail and practice your forced smile. Pro-tip: If you didn’t actually go to a prep school, just make one up! “Oh, you haven’t heard of Fitzwilliamsburg Academy? I’m not surprised, only a select few are allowed on our carrier-pigeon mailing list.”

MOSCOWL MULE

4 oz ginger beer

2 oz vodka

Dash of lime juice

Foxycontin for the nerves (optional)

By now, you’re starting to think that this punch thing isn’t so bad after all. Congratulations, you’re drunk! Before you go slur compliments at the punchmasters, make sure you’re holding one of these. Not only will it make you look stately, but you’ll have a discreet container to puke your drunk guts into without attracting any unwanted attention.

LONG ISLAND ISIS TEA

1 oz vodka

1 oz rum

1 oz gin

4 oz green tea

This unconventional twist on a classic is actually healthier for you, because it has real tea in it! The antioxidants will ease the crippling hangover that surely lies in your future and hopefully protect you from long lasting liver damage. In the end, it doesn’t really matter, though. Your social life is worth it.