A Desperate Missive to George Clooney in the Wake of His Marriage

Dear George,

I guess this means us spending the rest of our lives together is going to have to be postponed. I just hope it’s still within the next few years because we both know I’m going to be too old for you after that, my Fantastic Mr. (Silver) Fox. It’s just one of the Facts of Life. The tabloids announcing your wedding were crushing. They were definitely things I had to Burn After Reading. I forgave you for your first marriage only because it was over before I was born.  I had figured leaving things Up in the Air was the best decision, but I had underestimated the Gravity of your love for Amal.

I could cry an Ocean for you, and then another one...and yet another one. But at least I have your cinematic masterpieces to keep me company. You’re the exception to the rule that no sequel can ever compete with the original, and as long as there are Spy Kids marathons no one will forget that.

At the same time, I admire your step towards directing. It takes a real man to do what he loves despite the fact that he’d be making a shit-ton more money playing the roles out there that are readymade for him. Most admirably, you still make time for charity, though you failed to support mine (I have to admit “Marry me, George Clooney!” wasn’t too catchy a name for an organization). I imagined that One Fine Day you’d decide to fully endorse it. I had figured leaving things Up in the Air was the best decision, but I had underestimated the Gravity of your love for Amal.

But I’m glad that you found a strong, independent woman who can handle herself and still vows to be there for you whenever you’re in need. Admittedly I wouldn’t have answered every call From Dusk ‘Til Dawn.

You may have been the Sexiest Man Alive twice, but I figure there’s a new edition each year. I wanted to be the one there to say Good Night, and Good Luck, but good riddance feels just as real.

Sincerely,

Hunter Richards

P.S. If you realize it was a mistake between now and turning in the marriage license, I’ll forget all about it. Call me! 269-680-2199 xoxo