Call-a-thon in the Style of...

Liz Lemon

Liz Lemon: Hello [Name], this is Liz Lemon calling to congratulate you on getting into Harvard! Harvard only accepts a very minute percentage of the exceptional pool of students who apply, so there must be something special about you, right?

Prospective Student: Well, I guess I’m the best hula-hooper in my generation.

LL: Classic. You probably have everything you’ve ever wanted. You’re probably one of those kids who gets all the girls and all the boys too. I’m actually a little jealous of you. You’re probably a smart kid, you sound happy, and your hips are loose. I could never hula-hoop—I was always the girl who had to get gym credit by picking up all the hula-hoops at the end of class. Nothing’s really changed; I’m still a middle-aged woman who has had to push back her reservations for a honeymoon suite in Hawaii for the past 10 years because she doesn’t have anyone to go with. Why don’t you just add to this pile of good luck you’ve been blessed with by going to Harvard? You know, one of my New Year’s resolutions this year was to say “yes!” Yes to going green, yes to sleeping in, yes to love, yes to life, yes to saying ‘yes’ more! I say you say ‘yes’ to Harvard, and prepare to have the best or worst four years of your life. Hey, you won’t know if you don’t try---

[Phone dial tone]

LL: Hello??… Hello??… Ugh, kids these days have such a short attention span—Pizza, I want pizza.

A Quentin Tarantino Character

[Gun pointed at phone]

Quentin Tarantino Character: Congratu-f#!@ing-lations, motherf$#@er.

[Hangs up]

Oprah

Oprah: Well hello everyone! Oprah Winfrey here, calling to congratulate you on this wonderful achievement. Ladies and gentlemen, being offered to join Harvard University’s Class of 2017 will be one of the most valuable opportunities ever presented to you. Going to college is going to be different from anything you have done so far. It is going to be new and fun, but also new and scary. You are going to have experiences that you have never dreamed of having before, like sleeping until 2 p.m. and still being able to get Sunday brunch. You are essentially in a candy shop, and your goal is to take this array of goodies and turn them into something meaningful. In otherwords,  you must find inner peace. Have faith in yourself and what you have done so far to get to this point. Writing a 500-word essay about yourself is the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do other than having two midterms on one day, getting quadded or losing a loved one. You are going to be a very different person going in from the person you’ll be when you leave. For example, you’ll be more used to eating at 3 a.m. even when you’re not hungry. So allow yourself to learn who you are and what you want. Again, congratulations! I’m sure you are all incredible people. I look forward to one of you being the next Bill Gates or even the next ‘me’ [laughs]. Just kidding, there’s only one of me, Oprah Winfrey.

So, even if you feel that going to Harvard is not the path you want to take for your journey into the next four years of your life, please at least find a way to come to the commencement speech, because I’ll be giving out free iPad minis to everyone who attends! Look under your phone receiver right now! It’s a picture of me, Oprah! I put that there!

Don’t forget to join my book club! Beacause you’ll have so much free time to read for fun in college!