Harvard Thinks Big 2013: The Speeches that Didn’t Make the Cut

Harvard rang in the new semester last Thursday with its fourth annual “Harvard Thinks Big,” an event that featured six different Harvard professors, as well as a student, giving 10-minute speeches. FM recently acquired a list of speeches that didn’t make the cut. They are presented below in their full glory:

“This Republic of Hot Yoga”—Presented by Drew G. Faust

The event’s keynote speaker, Faust enthusiastically bounces onto the stage wearing her signature neon spandex shorts and headband. “Who’s ready to roll?!” Faust asks the crowd, which had expected a lecture on the Civil War.

“What the ‘N.’ Stands For: The Greg Mankiw Story”— Presented by N. Gregory Mankiw

Mankiw walks to the stage to thesound of deafening applause. Uponarriving to the podium, he takes out anew copy of Principles of Economics,his bestselling economics textbook,and encourages the audience topurchase it (“not the used edition!”).After discovering that the speech willnot count as one of his mandatoryEc 10 lectures, he leaves the stage,leaving preceptor David Johnson tofinish the remainder of the speech.

“This is Harvard Thinks Big”—Presented by David J. Malan ’99

The words “This is Harvard Thinks Big” are on the big screen, but where is David Malan? There he is, flying on to the Sanders Theater stage wearing an Iron Man suit. As he lands, his team of lady dancers, clad in CS50 lingerie, rush on stage and shoot t-shirts into the stands using their patented CS50 t-shirt guns. He concludes with a five minute slideshow featuring the CS50 TFs.

“My Thoughts on Life”—Presented by Larry H. Summers

Addressing the crowd in a smooth,baritone voice, the former presidentof the university says nothingcontroversial or offensive in theslightest.

“What I Do: An Explanation of My Job”—Presented by Evelyn Hammonds

Hammonds leaves the stage. Five minutes later, she comes back with a basket of Boloco burritos.