Top Nine Things I Could Not Be On Campus For And Had To Learn About Secondhand

Even though I’ve been abroad for the past several months, I’ve tried hard to keep up with the latest news from campus. Here’s a modest proposal of what I believe occured on campus since I left.

1. The election of Weinstock Samuels as president of the Crimson, the third in an ongoing legacy of Samuels-brothers presidents. Congratulations to the family.

2. The transition of the Arts board to magazine-only, as print journalism continues to dominate the world of media.

3. The bloody Clark-Mayopoulos Undergraduate Committee coup and classic broken campaign promises as insidious neoliberal cost-recovery strategies result in 0.5-ply toilet paper and a ban on tomato basil ravioli soup.

4. The seventh consecutive Harvard victory over Yale in the 138th annual Hunger Games.

5. The Rappers Are Misogynists And Kanye Is “Too Proud” Despite His Record-Breaking Success And Status As An Authentic And Revolutionary Icon riot outside Kanye West’s talk at the Graduate School of Design and the resulting hundreds of student deaths.

6. The unrest surrounding the unequal availability of gender-neutral housing options in upperclassmen houses, though, if you think about it, “gender-neutral” is meaningless considering there are still no smoking-allowed housing options available to anyone.

7. The announced implementation of morning weekend shuttle service and accompanying new initiative to start entryway-dining hall shuttle service.

8. The announcement of the new campus center, located off-campus, whose mission, as stated by University President Drew G. Faust, is “to be the SOCH of the river houses, in that it will be, in the words of Galadriel, a last-resort light in dark places, when and only when all other lights go out.”

9. The ongoing investigation into the email-search scandal, which included a round of email searches, which resulted in another investigation, another round of email searches, and this frustrated statement from the administration and my mom: “Well, you shouldn’t be sending out anything you wouldn’t want me to see anywhere on the internet anyways.”

—Natalie T. Chang is the outgoing Covers Editor and incoming Arts Chair. She is not outgoing in that sense. She can be reached at natalie.chang@thecrimson.com