Bartley's Burgers is famous for having creatively named menu items. In this piece, FM comes up with Bartley's Burgers: Professor Edition.

Bartley's Burgers: The Professor

By Nicole J. Levin and Andrew A. White

Ever get the feeling during shopping week that you would be able to pick your classes so much more easily if you could just get a sense of the professor from a hamburger? Us too! Here are your favorite professors as Bartley’s burgers. Put a napkin on, this might get messy.

The Greg Mankiw

(The guest lecturer) Offered seasonally (parent’s weekend) and every other leap year. Comes with a whole lotta green: lettuce, pickles, and green peppers.

The Micheal Puett

(The burger that will change your life) With lettuce, sauteed tofu, sesame seeds, and no midterm.

The David Malan

(The coolest nerd) Can only be ordered through a corresponding CS50 app, and served free if ordered at 4:00 a.m. during a Hackathon. Comes with chili and sour cream.

The Niall Ferguson

(No apologies, sorry) If ordered with the Barack Obama burger, this burger is topped with Tabasco to make for a heated argument. Otherwise, it comes with English Cheddar, because something something Imperialism makes everything better.

The Michael Sandel

(He’s huge in Japan) With tomatoes, onions or cheese. But you can only choose one, the other toppings will be hit by a train.

The Doug Melton

(Melts-on your tongue) This burger is made from cow stem cells. It costs $300,000 to make, but hey, if we can do it, why not?

The Steven Pinker

(Just like mother used to make) Made with chicken nuggets, fruit roll ups, lunchables, and a neglected childhood. Comes with a free cup, to fill with your tears for drink.

The Greg Nagy

(Our Greek Hero) A lamb burger served with feta cheese, olives, and tzatziki sauce. But if you only know what one of those things are, it’s okay, you get a pass for trying.

The Matthew Kaiser

(Let the juice drip down your chin) Served with plenty of saucy lubricant to help it go down easier. NOTE: this burger is no longer available due to popular demand.

The Amy Hempel

(Get creative!) Maybe you’ll put french fries and guacamole on it. Oh! Or maybe you’ll go with tomatoes and barbeque sauce! The possibilities are endless!

The Dan Gilbert

(As seen on TV) This award winning burger is famous for that one commercial it was in. You can have it with:

A) Swiss Cheese

B) Bacon

C) A and B and somehow F

D) all of the above, but you are going to fail the final anyways.

The Henry Louis Gates Jr.

(W.E.B. dulicious) Comes with lettuce, tomato, onions, and bacon. Goes well with beer from the White House.