Ig Nobel Predictions (Hey, Todd Akin)

As the air gets crisp and the days grow shorter, we turn our thoughts to the greatest event of fall (excluding apple picking): the Ig Nobel award ceremony. Celebrated every year on Harvard’s campus, this questionably prestigious event invites real Nobel laureates to present prizes to researchers whose achievements “first make people laugh, and then make them think.” Here, FM predicts this year’s results.

Biology Prize: U.S. Representative Todd Akin, for his creative new conception of female biology. His work on the female reproductive system made us laugh with disbelief, cry with existential anguish (or deep offense), and think he was ignorant.

Psychology Prize: A second-hand prize goes to researchers from the Stanford Graduate School of Business, Harvard Business School, and London Business School, for their innovative work on regifting, which is apparently not as rude as we think. Happy National Regifting Day! (N.B.: This exists, and they endorse it.)

Mathematics Prize: The presidential candidates, for their consistently innovative mathematical gymnastics regarding the economy. And to Bill Clinton, for using the word “arithmetic” in his speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Medicine Prize: Harvard’s very own inventor of breathable energy, David A. Edwards, without whose work we would have to drink Red Bull, or sleep.

Public Safety Prize: Herman Cain, for his startlingly original ads in the Republican primary, including the rampaging poultry one. We thank him for alerting the public to the dangers of angry chickens.

Literature Prize: Every gossip magazine in the world, for continued eloquent and groundbreaking coverage of the Kim Kardashian-Kris Humphries divorce.