This Is What Talking to Your Advisor Is Like

FRESHMAN YEAR

Advisor: So, what are you thinking about concentrating in?

Student: I don’t even know what that word means.

Advisor: It’s like a major but you can only choose Economics or something intellectual-sounding with a secondary in Economics.

Student: Well, should I also be thinking about Gen Ed requirements?

Advisor: I don’t know. I’m a swim coach.

Student: You must know something about Harvard.

Advisor: I coach at BU.

SOPHOMORE YEAR

Advisor: Welcome back! How are you liking the Quad?

Student: I feel empty inside.

Advisor: Cool! So what concentrations are you thinking about!?

Student: Economics or English, but, to be honest, after the death of my au-

Advisor: Great options! If you choose Economics, you’ll probably end up working in consulting. If you choose English, you’ll also work in consulting, but with a firmer grasp of James Joyce.

Student: Nothing matters.

Advisor: Storage matters! It closes at 7:30 a.m.

JUNIOR YEAR

Advisor: How are you feeling about your concentration choice?

Student: It’s pretty good, but it feels kind of anonymous.

Advisor: Well, Tim, if you wanted to be hugged you could’ve done Folklore and Mythology.

Student: My name is Emily.

Advisor: I’m going to call you Tim.

SENIOR YEAR

Advisor: How did thesis research go this summer?

Student: I want to drop it.

Advisor: That’s…awkward for our concentration statistics.

Student: Well, could you help me interpret this data.

Advisor: Oooh, there are a lot of pages, and I have a New York Times op-ed to write.

Student: But I don’t even know what the word regression means.

Advisor: I don’t either. I’m a swim coach.