A Strongly Worded Open Letter to the President of the United States

November 8, 2012

Dear President Obama,

It’s been a day, Mr. President, but you have yet to fulfill any of your so-called “campaign promises.”

You may very well be the first lame duck presidential elect. Perhaps that is why all the newspapers have said that your election is so historic. But don’t let it get to your head. Every election is historic by definition. That is how history works—look it up.

So at the time of the writing of this letter, it has already been a full day since the election. What have you done in these first crucial 24 hours? Even Romney has done something to help the United States—he lost an election. Meanwhile, all you’ve done is dance around in confetti and tweet pictures of yourself hugging Michelle. You don’t have time for this nonsense. Michelle can hug herself. Plus, I heard from reliable nonpartisan sources (my imagination and gut instinct) that you have been celebrating your victory with champagne. Do you really want to replace Grant as one of the drunkest presidents? You’ve written enough history for one night.

Let’s see if you have managed to achieve any of your campaign promises throughout all this spouse hugging nonsense.

Jobs: Things aren’t looking much better for me, personally. I’m still unemployed. Based on the fact that my resume says “dog-walking” as my only work experience, future job prospects are also looking pretty grim.

The economy: The stock market has taken quite the down turn. I’m not an Ec major, but experience with colors in kindergarten tells me that red numbers are not good. From what I’ve read of the New York Times’ headlines and opening sentences, it looks like you spent all day calling up old friends, like Boehner, and trying to compromise on fiscal cliffs, or something like that. Come on, now is not the time to catch up with old friends by planning fun outdoorsy cliff rappelling outings.

Immigration: Not only does it not look any easier for immigrants to enter the country, but now it looks like you have an emigration problem as well. I’ve been trying to get into Canada all day.

Foreign oil dependence: The gas stations are still open, prices are still up, and my car still can’t fly. Enough said.

Mr. President, clearly you have yet to do anything to move this country forward, or even backward for that matter. So far it looks like you’ve spent a third of your time since the election sleeping. A third. We can do better than that. I believe I speak on behalf of all citizens when I say stop hugging your wife and help me get to Canada. I think I could get there quickest via flying car.