FM Arbitrarily Predicts the Election

Tired of analyzing poll after poll? Sick of combing your inbox for the latest IOP spam emails? Fed up withwatching a live feed of an Ohio community center voting booth? Predicting election results can be tough,especially when political pundits can’t agree on the answer. Never fear, FM is here to outline the "real"determining factors of this year’s election.

SPOTIFY PLAYLISTS

First things first: It’s highly unlikely that candidatesactually made these playlist. A tech-savvy aide or internmost likely slapped the songs together, but it can beassumed that each candidate got to look it over, so it’s perfectlylegitimate to predict the election based on the musicaltastes implied. As women’s rights is a key issue this election,the predominant gender of the artists on the playlists mayprovide some insight. Obama’s “2012 Campaign Playlist”features multiple female singers such as Jennifer Hudson,Florence Welch, and Joss Stone, whereas, despite all hisbinders full of them, Romney’s playlist “On the Road” onlyshowcases one song by a female artist: Carrie Underwoodbelting about being an “All-American Girl...” a very bad signfor supporters of Planned Parenthood.

OFFSPRING

Let’s face it, the first family can be just as important toAmericans as the candidates themselves. In one corner, wehave the five Romney sons. There’s Tagg, Matt, Josh, Ben,and Craig. All are grown men with successful careers andsolidly American names. In the other corner of the ring, wehave the President’s two daughters, Malia and Sasha, whotap dance, and play soccer and gymnastics. If you preferno-nonsense, middle-aged men dressed in designer suitswith slicked back hair, it looks like Romney wins this round.But if you’ve been taken in by the youth, energy, and tapdancing feet of the two Obama girls, then it looks like thePresident is ready for his second term on the national stage.

TASSEOGRAPHY

Still having trouble picking a winner? Ask the spirits! Forthose unacquainted with the time-honored tradition of tealeafreading, it’s a precise art that requires a careful eye andthe proper equipment. Start by ripping open a tea bag andpouring it into a paper cup. Pour hot water on top, drinkthe tea, swirl, and you’re ready to see the future.If your apparatus was correctly set up you should seeclumps and smudges of tea leaves on the bottom and sidesof your cup. Your job is to determine what those shapesmean. Dressage horses and Clint Eastwood are votes forSenator Romney, Big Bird and bayonets bode well forPresident Obama. A large, phallic dragon locked in combatwith a winged liger ridden by the members of One Directionmeans you should probably seek professional help. Ifyou’re having trouble making sense of the splotches in frontof you, try squinting, tilting your head slightly to the right,and chanting softly. It may or may not help. At the very leastyou’ll look like you know what you’re doing.