FM Writes the EU’s Nobel Prize Acceptance Speech

Wow, what a tremendous honor! I mean, I can’t say I’m surprised, but I think we were all expecting the Nobel in economics instead, amirite? Thanks so much to the prize committee, all of our member states, and the Treaty of Lisbon for making this all possible. Special NO THANKS to Switzerland, who is the worst. Just because you take fun pictures of your eight Presidents that look like corporate stock photos doesn’t mean you’re better than the rest of us. So stop being such a stuck-up bitch and just join me like everyone else, okay?

In all seriousness, though, this award isn’t just about me. I see this prize not as a recognition of our accomplishments, but as a platform to call attention to the plight of the European people. You know, I’ve been working tirelessly to overcome centuries of colonialism, industrialization, and democratic progress to bring true prosperity to the continent. Sure, I may have the largest GDP in the world, but that doesn’t that automatically make me rich. Do you have any idea how much it costs just to exist in Paris? I don’t, since I can’t understand French, but I’m sure it’s crazy expensive.

But most importantly, Western Europe is one of the most dangerous and unpleasant places to live in the world. And remember World War II? Remember how fucked up that was, y’all? My creation was literally the only thing standing between you people and a third world war. Too often this award goes to people who were just in the right place at the right time (lookin’ at you, Mandela), so it’s about damn time the REAL peacemakers got some recognition.

Thanks again, Nobel committee. Oh and if you could be a doll and wire the prize money directly to Spain, that’d be great.