An Open Letter to Donald Trump

We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: Thank you, Donald Trump!

In a time when no one except the crazies fought for the truth about Obama’s place of birth, you gave a legitimate (and, if we may say so, beautiful) face to an important question. Admittedly, it was a bit of a setback to see—as far as we know—that Obama was really born in the United States, but that is just one more reason to be thankful for the fearless and experienced leader that we have in you. Why stop at questioning the President’s place of birth? You’re just getting started. Aren’t there many even more worrying areas of Obama’s life that jeopardize his ability to lead our country?

You certainly think so.

This week, you alleged that Obama shouldn’t have been able to get in to Columbia and Harvard based on his grades. Although we regret your association of our esteemed institution with Columbia—which no one has ever been kept out of because of bad grades—we hope that you won’t be discouraged by the entirely unjustified amounts of criticism you’ve garnered, especially when there are so many more important questions to be asked. In the spirit of aiding you, the fearless truth-fighter with the double comb-over, we have come up with a list of questions that we would like you—and your team of hired professionals—to investigate.

First of all, we are deeply troubled by the lack of transparency about Obama’s dog. The media paid a lot of attention to the purchase of Bo, the nautically adept Portuguese Water Dog and gift of the late “Senator” Edward M. Kennedy ’54-’56, a man who came to place a high premium on swimming ability (if you know what we mean). However, despite Bo’s potential for success in the water, there has been far too little scrutiny of his pedigree. After all, he’s…Portuguese?! Excuse us? This is America, not Spain’s ugly stepsister.

Furthermore, the President’s supposed “drug phase” in high school demands much more investigation. Obama claims to have experimented with drugs during his adolescence, but, really, what proof do we have? Has anyone asked the man to show them how to roll a joint? It is no secret that pot-smoking liberals constitute a core Democrat voting-bloc, and it seems likely that Obama manufactured this checkered past to appeal to voters. Besides, he has always seemed a little too much like a nerd to really pull off the druggie image. We demand a live-broadcast joint-rolling ceremony if the President wants anyone to accept that he has ever used.

This sort of “cool-guy” image may have bought Obama a lot of support, but we have a problem with it in more areas than just the drug usage. Obama claims to love basketball, but we don’t buy it. The man grows arugula in his garden for God’s sake! Sure, there are pictures and videos of the President shooting hoops, but those can be faked. There is only one way for Obama to settle our doubts on this issue. He must take each member of The Crimson Staff on in a one-on-one game to 11, streetball rules.

Obama has also used his image as a family man to his political advantage, but we know unforgivably little about his relationship with his so-called wife Michelle, only that the two “claim” to be married. Who can say for sure? Marriage certificates are forgeable, and since we have already discounted all forms of video evidence, the only way for Obama to prove to us that he is indeed married is to do a national wedding tour, renewing his vows in front of large audiences in cities around the country. But then, really, what would that say about the stability of his marriage if he had to travel the country renewing his vows? Pretty questionable if you ask us.

While we’re at it, who are those children often seen in pictures with Barack and Michelle? Although we hesitate to demand viewing rights to a birth video, to whom do they really belong? And how can we can be sure?

Going back to the issue of the Commander-In-Chief’s image, we are reminded of another former President who misled the country. Long shot though it may be, we can’t afford to have another FDR moment on our hands. President Obama must do a walking tour of the nation to prove that he has full use of his legs.

We hope these questions and recommendations will prove helpful to you, Donald Trump, in your quest for truth.

After all, we can sympathize.

We’re all about Veritas.