Unrequited Emails

In the realm of listservs, there are two types of people: senders and receivers. Most of us are receivers, humbly accepting our daily flood of mail with a shrug and the occasional quizzical frown. Yet there exists another breed, who seem to react to every passing question, demand, and desire that pops into their heads with the thought, “Thank God I have hundreds of friends on an email list to share this with!” The result: a deluge of emails so pointless or outlandish they are destined to go unanswered.

1. Subject: Want to win free movie tickets, massages, and chicken wings?

Woah, woah, woah, slow down there. While one of these things would have caught our attention, all three is just unrealistic. There has to be a catch somewhere. Of course, it turns out that an “epic race around campus” is required to win such objects. We should have known.

2. Subject: (Insert generic event)—Happening NOW!

If the event is happening now and people want to go, it seems fairly likely that they will already be there. If not, then this email is just needlessly making my phone bleep during a lecture. For shame.

3. Subject: Half off Civil War tour tickets!

At last, what we’ve been waiting for.

4. Subject: Bridge partner needed URGENTLY

Urgently.

5. Subject: Hey Mom, missing you ...

You know your life has taken a dark turn when even this goes unanswered in your inbox.