Horoscopes!

Pisces Feb 19 - March 20

He’s a sociopath.

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Spring break is rearing its tropical head and you are banking on a second lease on life. Sure, Aries, your hyperactive imagination and hot head may have stirred up a Molotov cocktail last month, but this weekend is going to be great for you, whether it wants to be or not.

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Sometimes, Taurus, you take life by the horns a little too earnestly. Maybe on camera. Or with your estranged, slightly-less-attractive ex. Luckily, your Taurean charisma, can-do attitude, and blissful ignorance of your own actions are smoothing everything over this week quite nicely. As always, look forward to a fun and forgettable spring break.

Gemini May 21 - June 20

Everything is better with twins, they say. But this week, Gemini, The new moon, sun, Jupiter, Mercury, and Uranus are all up in your tenth house of glory. You’re going to need to go from seeing double to a one-track mind in no time. Kick your social side to the curb or kiss success goodbye.

Cancer June 21 - July 22

This week is the prelude to a life-changing journey, Cancer. It’s game time. Meanwhile, your ninth house of justice is crammed with a nagging sense of civic responsibility. Whether jury duty calls or that subpoena finally arrives in your drop box, embrace what life tosses at you or that journey to Jamaica might well turn into a sojourn to the slammer.

Leo July 23 - Aug 22

There’s no such thing as a cowardly lion. But sometimes you just need to back the fuck down, Leo. You might be creeping on your ex or lurking in all the wrong places, but it’s time to find your calling elsewhere. The end of the week will offer an opportunity to act on some new exciting social options, so approach with caution and care. For once.

Virgo Aug 23 - Sept 22

Ah, Virgo. Pure, certainly. Chaste, perhaps. But you’re not as naïve as he or she thinks you are, and you need to prove it this month. Whether it’s a toxic friend or a trifling significant other, time to cash in your V-card for a better model.

Libra Sept 23 - Oct 22

You may be an expert on keeping life in balance, Libra, but this week is tipping the scales. Some negative energy on Thursday may test your emotions, but try to keep some perspective. Unless you’re in Winthrop. Sorry.

Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21

I have nothing to say to you, Scorpio. You’re going to have an epic month but some miserable friends are going to hate your venomous guts if you don’t adopt some sensitivity. Try to focus on others and your good fortune might not come back to bite you.

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Whatever you do, don’t drink the tequila. Trust me.

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Capricorn, you know you’re complex. But complexity can sometimes come off as arrogance or ennui, and that special someone isn’t having it this month. Try to use that intellect to your advantage and win them over once again.

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

This is going to be a blue month for you, Aquarius. The good kind. Whether it’s tropical waters or everyone’s choice classy potable (HPNOTIQ), spring break is going to be cool, sweet, and delicious. You might also consider a vigorous shower the next morning, in any case.