High Tail It to Yale

After the faculty and president of Harvard College announced last week that, once again, restrictive policies will prevail during the “festivities” surrounding the Harvard-Yale Game, we were hardly surprised. Unlike the arctic-temperatured event two years ago, though, we have a plan to make this Harvard-Yale as much fun as possible. With no keg stands—actually, no kegs, period—no U-Haul trucks, no tailgating past noon, no hard alcohol, and no excessive cheering, laughing, smiling, nor evidence of fun-having whatsoever, Harvard just doesn’t know how to throw a party. Instead of binge-drinking alone in our Houses, we should keep the pre-game where it belongs: New Haven.

We advise our fellow students to pack up their belongings, as they did last year, and proceed to Yale the night before the big game. We’ll all crash on the floor of that dude we sort of used to know from high school Spanish (no need to give him warning, because everyone loves a surprise), then stand in those unbelievably long lines the next morning, board a shuttle to that sports field 15 miles from campus, and proceed to get pumped. Honestly, there’s nothing better. The stadium will be empty, but that’s not really a change from last year, either.

In preparation for our imminent arrival, we hope Yale pulls out all the stops. Maybe a SWAT-themed club party is in order? (We’ll bring the Tasers.) After all, New Haven’s nightlife could use a financial boost, and Harvard does pride itself on our commitment to public service. Revitalizing the neighborhood via the hundreds of Four Lokos we will buy is the least we can do.

Just like last year, we expect that the tailgate will continue into the third quarter of the Game. “What game?” you may drunkenly ask aloud around 3 p.m. in the midst of all the hoopla and the barking of Handsome Jon, or Drew, or whatever its name is. Our point exactly. Ideally, upon arrival back at Harvard, we’ll be intoxicated and have missed the Game entirely—the way our forefathers intended it to be.

Anyway, we know who’s going to win. Who really needs to see it again?