Make The Flu Work For You!

Thesis writer? J-term was supposed to provide a time for in-depth research and writing on campus, right? Well, with that guarantee snatched away faster than weekday scrambled eggs, we have recently discovered a possible loophole for you. Read on, future tax evader.

As you have probably heard ad nauseam over the past year, the Chinese character for crisis may have something to do with opportunity also. As a Harvard student, this is probably not surprising—you have always known how to step on others when they are down in order to accomplish your own goals. You might even say, as the world’s best and brightest, you are like a great vampire squid wrapped around the face of humanity, relentlessly jamming your blood funnel into anything that smells like it might affect your GPA.

While this is true, the economic crisis for many of you has until now really only served to worsen your life—specifically those of you who tried microwaving your cereal this morning and those of you who “chose” to apply to law school. Many of you, however, might have missed a particularly appealing opportunity that is just now becoming apparent. For, as they say in New Haven: In the shadow of a crisis, there are many other crises waiting.

Indeed, the looming H1N1 crisis right around the corner has possibly surpassed the scariness of our budget crisis. Whereas e-mails reflecting our budget crisis alert us to the discontinuance of our personal course guides, the regular H1N1 updates seem to threaten the very functioning of our university.

According to The Crimson, “Harvard University Health Services has identified 38 unoccupied dorm rooms throughout the House system to isolate students who have the H1N1 ‘swine’ flu and do not have single bedrooms.” Isolate? Yes, these isolation chambers—as we’ve termed them—are a frightening concept. But maybe not so much once you start applying that famous Harvard egotism.

That’s right, maybe H1N1 is your free ticket into J-term housing. Just imagine finishing your thesis in an air-locked chamber with no distractions but your own vomiting.

So go ahead: play that fourth game of beer pong. Ignore those handy tips in the dining hall telling you to use a clean plate each time you get seconds—the administration is just trying to trick you into not getting swine flu. Did you know that H1N1 rooms come with full room service? Maybe next time you’ll think twice before stopping at the Purell dispenser. Rumor has it that isolation chambers might even receive the occasional hot breakfast.

Getting tired of your blockmates? The isolation chambers are doubles, so a myriad of social opportunities lie in store for you. Think of the friendships you’ll form in an H1N1 chamber. Your new roommate will have been handpicked for his or her common interests in digital thermometers, masks, tissues, and so much more.

With such a compelling package, we are concerned that 38 chambers won’t be nearly enough. And as soon as word gets out that registered isolation chamber parties are for H1N1 students only, the rush will be on to catch the virus. Though freshmen trying to crash the masked gatherings will inevitably leave frustrated when asked by certified FLU teams to flash their temperatures first.

So good luck, fellow flu chasers. And please note: This offer is available for a limited time only and comes with zero guarantee that you will be not be placed in the Quad.