There's No Time To Read This

Camp Harvard just isn’t what it used to be. That famed freshman-only week of college orientation is now history. In its place this year, Opening Days for the Class of 2013, having begun last Thursday, will end ambiguously on Wednesday, trailing away with the first day of classes, after largely overlapping upperclassmen move-in. At The Crimson, we fear that this shorter, shoddier introduction to Harvard just might backfire on the administration. Freshman Dean’s Office—beware.

During these first days in the Yard, new, fragile Harvardians need time to process and reflect on the complex information being hurled at them from all sides. With no time alone on campus before upperclassmen move in, how will bright-eyed newbies have any chance of fully contemplating the nuanced lessons of Sex Signals, for instance?

Without the necessary downtime to grasp these profound skits, freshmen are sure to be sexually assaulting one another left and right this year. Similarly, with fewer minutes to internalize their proctor’s rules and instructions, the Yard will likely see a rash of life-threatening hot-plate fires. And don’t even be surprised this year if you catch a freshman consuming an illegal alcoholic beverage in his residence or while congregating outside his burnt-down entryway.

With so little time, and an overwhelming number of classmates to bond with, freshmen might find themselves shortening introductions to the point of absurdity. “Hi, I’m Laura. I live in Canaday. I’m from Colorado, and I plan on—.” That’s right; you newcomers might never find out what Laura’s prospective concentration is. And how do you plan to survive at Harvard without knowing that? What if she was planning on concentrating in Government too!? You could have been friends! Now what? Now you have no friends.

Even the time-honored Freshmen A Cappella Jam may be cut short this year (hey, we didn’t say every development would be negative). And we expect ice cream socials to soon become ice cube socials or just cream socials. Freshmen might actually go hungry this year or grow fatigued without this sustenance—necessary to maintaining those inhuman enthusiasm levels during the first days on campus. Opening Days just won’t be the same without those sugar-induced, grinning faces.

In light of the College’s ready willingness to chop Freshman Week into Freshman Less-Than-A-Week, we fear that many other Harvard services and traditions are next in line. Freshman Parents Weekend may become Parent Saturday. And those infamous, trendy lanyards that everyone (yes everyone) at Harvard dons around their necks? Next year they’ll be just a single, unknotted red string that you drape hopelessly over your shoulder.

While it might be true that the calendar reform we supported necessitated changes to Camp Harvard, and that six days isn’t that much shorter than a week, and that incoming freshmen probably don’t notice the difference, and that there’s probably still an overwhelming amount of ice cream, we still remain highly concerned. As the academic year begins, we shudder at the dangers lying ahead for Harvard’s poorly oriented, unlucky Class of 2013.