15 Things to Do Post-Thesis

1) Update yourself on recent news. How did that election turn out? How big of a slut do you have to be to be a Jai Ho?

2) Once again realize that a screwdriver is not just something to open the battery box on your interview recorder.

3) Restock your body with vital nutrients—i.e. all those not contained in vending machines.

4) Recycle all your Red Bull cans and collect the change. You didn’t have time to apply for a job anyway.

5) Rejuvenate your sex life. If all else fails, at least you have oral to look forward to later this month.

6) Work out for the first time in seven months—by schlepping your 50 pounds of books back to the library.

7) Finally get around to checking your portfolio at Madoff Investment Securities. This may be a good time to dip in to that Red Bull fund.

8) Come up with a new excuse to get out of unwanted dates—no one’s going to believe a Saturday Lamont campout anymore.

9) Actually, you can still stay busy in the stacks.

10) Enjoy dinners in the dim romantic light of Sandrine’s rather than the dim electric glow of your screen.

11) Use your pathetically low tolerance as an excuse for last night’s “mistakes.” Warning: this may not suffice for dropping trow at a City Step party (you know who you are).

12) Burn your leftover acid-free paper—suck it, eco reps.

13) Laundry—for the first time since February. Spare the public the clothes that look more like compost than cotton

14) Start lifting weights; you don’t want to lose that forearm bulge you’ve been getting from all that stress relief.

15) Begin the endless process of convincing yourself that anyone will actually read your 50,000 words on the mating call of the Pistol Shrimp.