Race to the River

Everyone knows that most upperclass Houses show about as much spirit as the average Harvard cheerleader (that is, aside from the strange creatures that run Mather and Currier HoCo). Ever since the College instituted randomization and Houses lost all semblances of unity and character, cheering on a regular basis for your randomly selected, heterogeneous sample of the Harvard population has been less than appealing. But there is one time of year that’s an exception to this rule, and that’s Housing Day (and Eve). We are thrilled to announce that University Hall has finally realized this and decided to implement a new system modeled on River Run festivities: Instead of being lotteried into their Houses-to-be, freshman blocking groups will now compete in a race to the House (and room) of their choice!

With the fate of our freshmen now hanging on athletic and strategic prowess, we here at The Crimson compiled a list of suggestions to ensure that our readers dominate this new—and promising—high stakes Race to the River.

First off, take heed when choosing your blocking group. Think you want to live with your freshman roommate or that nice gal you met on FOP? Think again. We’ve heard that the Harvard track team really knows how to run.

The night of River Run usually involves large-scale consumption of alcohol. We recommend that you use this to your advantage. Offer drinks to your frenemies in other blocking groups, ensuring that when the race begins, all they can do is stumble (and maybe puke behind Grays).

Strategically plan your route beforehand. Consider bypassing the mob on the steps outside of Adams and making a beeline for Kirkland instead. If you know you can’t run, maybe choose Leverett just to be safe. Hey, it’s better than the Quad.

Rumor has it that tunnels exist below Harvard Square, connecting each House in a large web-like maze. Acquire access to these tunnels. It will be like Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, except without the basilisk (just beware of giant cockroaches).

For the ruthless among you, plan on playing tough. Dickson Brothers has a whole lot of tacks, and if you sprinkle them behind you as you run down Plympton St., you’ll have a clear shot at Quincy.

If you’re not that into competition and don’t mind taking the easy way out (hey there, legacies!), why not just rent a ZipCar? But be careful—we’ve heard there might be tacks on Plympton!

Aim for Lampoon Castle. Word has it that if you scale the side and steal the ibis on top, the River Gods will speed you along to the House of your choice.

We commend the College for what promises to be a new era in Harvard history, filled with the true spirit that comes from earning your place in a House community. Likewise, we expect to see a new generation of fitter, more attractive underclassmen, who will have no choice but to lose the Freshman 15 as they train (hard-core) to race on that fateful Housing Day.