15 Ways to Get a Bed in New Haven

As the big Game approaches, Harvard students find themselves desperately seeking a place to lay down their heads after a drunken night of revelry to prepare for even drunker revelry to come on Game day. Young men and women turn to friends, family, or anyone really, in search of a place to stay, hoping they won’t find themselves turned out on the streets. Don’t worry—FM helps keep the Harvard homeless off the crazy streets of New Haven.

1. Seduce a Yalie: The possibilities are endless, albeit unpleasant.

2. Use Your Friends: Oh, you didn’t go to a New England prep school? That’s why you don’t know anyone at Yale! No worries, it’s Harvard, so chances are that your roommate, your blockmate, or the kid across the hall did. They’ll know at least five Yalies, so follow them.

3. Crash a Hotel Room: Your Type-A friends pooled their money to spring for a real hotel room? How silly of them! Your frugal self can reap the comforts of their bed without the hit to your wallet.

4. It’s Called Networking: Call up your grandma’s brother’s daughter’s niece’s best friend’s brother who goes to Yale. You’re all family now.

5. Let’s Get Physical: Break in to the stadium and find the physical therapy room. Trust us, the gurneys are comfy. Besides, when you wake up, you’re already at the Game!

6. Make Friends with a Townie: But don’t get too intimate—you wouldn’t want to end up with children who aren’t double legacies. Then again, they don’t go to Yale, so that’s one thing in their favor.

7. Takeover: No, not literally. For just a $20 donation to the Phoenix Club, you are guaranteed a dance party and a DFMO. Just be sure to follow through...all the way back to their rooms.

8. Go Greek: Either join a frat or sorority quickly or learn everything you need to know to convince them you’re in the Harvard chapter. Find frat row and crash with your new bros or sisters.

9. Find a Car: Throw your mattress in the backseat, drive to Yale and voila—a bed in New Haven!

10. Yale UHS: Alcohol poisoning? Check. Free hospital bed? Check.

11. Swine Flu (...we had to): Just walk in with “flu-like symptoms” and make sure they disappear in time for you to wake up and get your drink on.

12. Find a Homeless Shelter: I’m sure they have plenty of them in New Haven. You’re effectively homeless for the night.

13. Commit a Felony: Something just serious enough to land you one night in jail with minimal bail. We recommend public drunkenness.

14. Find Your Sister College: If you’re in Kirkland, find Calhoun. Another house? They have a sister, too. The best part? If you get past the common room and into a bed, you know you’re going to see them again—in exactly one year.

15. Polyjuice Potion: A last resort—find someone who you know has a bed, stir up some of this baby, (warning: make sure the hair you choose comes from a person and not their cat) then hide your victim in a treasure chest in your office until the game is over. You’ll sleep comfortably in their place and, well, they can have their identity back when the juice rubs off.