15 Ways Ben Bernanke Will Appear Cool

Ben S. Bernanke ’75, chairman of the Federal Reserve and Class Day speaker, is kind of a big deal. Future investment bankers across campus are salivating over what he might say, but Harvard students have high expectations. If he wants to one-up the famous Marshall Plan speech of 1947, he’ll have to drop some pretty big news. Here are 15 speech agendas that would get our attention:

1) In order to close the federal deficit, marijuana will be legalized and taxed. Even with the tax, it will be cheaper than what you’re paying in Central Square.

2) Alan Greenspan left some embarrassing items behind in the chairman’s office. We knew he was into leather, but now we’ll finally hear the specifics.

3) Instead of a speech, he will actually hover over the Yard in a helicopter and drop fistfuls of cash.

4) The government will seize half of the Harvard endowment under the authority of The Patriot Act.

5) He will give everyone a free lunch just to stick it to Mankiw.

6) He will debut his new reality show, in which he and Chuck Norris solve the mortgage crisis by breaking every jaw on Wall Street.

7) He gets all of his advice from former Crimson President Jim Cramer’s ’77 “Mad Money.”

8) Thinking he won Man of the Year, he will show up in a dress. It will only be awkward because of his impressive cleavage.

9) Harvard will merge with Bernanke’s other alma mater—MIT. He swears it’s more economical this way.

10) He will be too hungover to make a speech after a long night partying at the Spee.

11) The new $20 bill will have a four-color depiction of the moment when Jim told Pam he loves her.

12) Instead of a refund check, taxpayers will receive a coupon book and a rusty pair of scissors.

13) He will agree to lower interest rates in exchange for Tal Ben-Shahar’s ’96 autograph.

14) He’s already admitted that the Fed caused the Great Depression, so now he’ll reveal that the Fed killed party grants too.

15) If the economy doesn’t turn around soon, he’ll have to shut down his Facebook. His honesty box gets too much hate mail every day.

— Charleton A. Lamb