15 REAL MONSTERS!

With the recent release of “Barackula,” a short online film in which presidential candidate and Harvard Law School alum Barack Obama fights off a hoard of HLS vampires, the real question on everyone’s mind is not who the Democratic presidential nomination will go to. No, what we really want to know is how other high-profile Harvardians might star in a monsterrific film of their own...

1) Michael Grendel: Slain by Beowulf in Sanders Theater, an act of epic poetic Justice.

2) N. Gregory ManBearPig-kiw: Kyle, Stan, Cartman, and Kenny do battle with this beast in their tiny mountain town.

3) Larry “I know what you did last” Summers: The Faculty of Arts and Sciences never knew what hit them.

4) Demon Pilbeam: Wreaking havoc one party grant at a time.

5) Marty Frankenstein: The economic giant goes on a rampage, cutting any interest rate that stands in his path.

6) Henry Louis Gates “of Death” Jr.: People die to get into his classes.

7) Niall Fergu“Son of Sam:” One of the most notorious serial killers in all of Western history.

8) Ted Kaczynski ’62: Based on a true story.

9) Bill O’samaBinReilly: Where will he host next?

10) Norman “the Impaler” Mailer: Takes a stab at another Pulitzer Prize.

11) Drew G(houl) Faust: Years after her tenure is up, this former president still haunts the Yard.

12) VoldeMort Zuckerman: With billions behind him there is no way Harry can escape this time.

13) Charles Schupacabra: This New York senator strikes terror in the hearts of Republicans everywhere.

14) ToMummy Lee Jones: Struggles to preserve his Academy Award-winning legacy.

15) La Ogre (unscramble): An inconvenient truth revealed about this former presidential candidate.