Lessons in Love

Question:

I recently broke up with a long-term boyfriend and want to start having one-time encounters with randos. The only thing is, with my ex, I talked a lot during sex, (not always dirty talk, just talk), and a few days ago he told me that it isn’t normal, how vocal I can get. So I’m worried new peeps might think it’s weird. Are there rules about this?

Answer:

A guy I scooped ice cream with a couple summers ago had this thing with his boyfriend where they would experiment with different during-the-act comments aimed at getting one another to lose focus. He and I would brainstorm on our shared-shift, and came up with some pretty good ones before I eventually got fired for fainting on the waffle cone display. Gems like, “you and me, baby,” (repeated over and over with increasing intensity), and The Boner Challenge (only calling it Boner (“Stick your boner in me,” “Suck my boner,” etc.)).

So rest easy, Worry-Wort, you remain vanilla in the scheme of things. Lots of people like to flap gums during The Act. Others prefer to lie quietly, humming to themselves until it’s over. In any case, I think your ex’s retrospective addendum is geared at making you feel too insecure to bed these “randos.”

Still, you must be prepared for the slight chance that some of these “randos” might be turned off by your vocal nature. However, if I were you, I’d look at it as an Every Man For Himself kind of deal, because if it truly is a one-time thing, then you’d better make sure it’s done the way you like it. And if that means a little, “Right there… that’s good… can you believe this weather?” Then I say go for it.



Question:

I’ve been fucking this really hot girl, and it’s been great because she’s a total workaholic, so we only hang out on weekends. But now she wants to be my girlfriend, and says that if she can’t, then no more fucking. Except she calls it “focking.” She not being ironic (she thinks it’s cute), and she says it all the time. I already tried talking to her about it casually. I told her to call it “effing” like all the other girls, or maybe say “fudge,” or call it “making love” when she had to. But she got kind of mad and said something about how “fuck” is a vulgar, female-degrading word, and by putting the “o” in, she’s making a statement and reclaiming it for women. Anyway, the point is, if I let her be my girlfriend, my blockmates will make fun of me constantly (for now she’s just some girl), and if I don’t let her be my girlfriend I’ll be right back where I was when I met her (a virgin). I’ve been able to put it off by telling her I’m stressed, but with Valentine’s Day and all, I don’t think I can hold out for much longer.

Answer:

Yeah, she’s trying to change the world like she’s Dawn from the Babysitter’s Club. But it sort of seems like you’re only in it for the play anyhow, so who cares? She’s hot. Plus, you seem worried—nay, certain—that your V-card can mysteriously return from lack of ass, so I’d say, yeah, let her be your girlfriend. That way, you’ll have all week for douche-baggery, and on the weekends, you can re-secure your non-virginity.

— Kathleen E. Hale