We Suck

Good morning, fellow Harvard people. We, the editorial board of The Harvard Crimson, are taking a break from failing at school and having no social lives to bring you this special Harvard Crimson message. Even though we are Harvard students, we want to say: We think Harvard is going to lose this weekend. In fact, we want it to lose. The Harvard team, which is the football team for the school that we attend, sucks and is going to be destroyed by the Yale team, which comes from a school we do not go to, although we have a lot of respect for it and we really wish we went there.

HAHA WE FOOLED YOU! WE’RE NOT THE CRIMSON! WE’RE THE YALE DAILY NEWS (suckas)!

Using the breaking and entering skills that one naturally picks up from living in New Haven, we infiltrated The Crimson’s press room and inserted this message instead of their staff editorial, which was some dumb thing about Darfur that we didn’t understand and something about a “bailout” that we can only assume relates to crew.

We thought it was time we took Harvard students down a notch. People at Harvard are so stuck up about having the top rank in the U.S. News and World Report rankings, and being the oldest university in the United States, and having the largest academic library in the world, and enjoying the most comprehensive financial aid program in the country, and having the wealthiest endowment of any school in history. WHO CARES? Our school provides a kind of education that Harvard’s $37 billion can’t buy.

Think you’re getting a lot out of that economics class? Try weighing the cost-benefit analysis of leaving your dorm after dark, living in Yale housing, or eating Yale food. Studying environmental degradation? There’s no better research project than examining the fascinating New Haven air. You think you can learn about “Justice” by sitting in a classroom? When a deranged thief who’s broken into your dorm room forces you to choose between sacrificing your own life or your roommate’s, trust us: the hypothetical doesn’t compare.

All those other advantages your school seems to enjoy are similarly illusory. None of your much-ballyhooed “extracurriculars” involve lying naked in a coffin, like our illustrious Skull and Bones, so they’re basically a waste of time. Your football team may have beaten us last year, but that’s only because the steroids didn’t work fast enough. Your newspaper [FINISH THIS PARAGRAPH BEFORE MIDNIGHT GUYS]

So ignore us. Sure, you’ve got the reputation, the resources, and the intelligence to do so. But deep down, you will still know the truth. Harvard sucks, and we’re just glad we didn’t get in.