Section: A Survival Guide

It’s that time of the semester—because no one is doing the reading anymore, section now features the wildly postulating alter egos of your once-intelligent classmates. FM’s here with a how-to guide for section survival, allowing postulating alter ego to remain in its rightful place.

1) Talking about the reading in a book you’ve never touched:

Take a sentence anyone else has said and note that you find some inherent contradiction. Tell everyone you’ve got to find this other passage that corroborates your point. “I’ll get back to you guys when I find it.” Helpful and smart? Someone’s getting an A.

2) Not strangling the person who’s participating for the sake of participating:

Eventually you will realize that most of your irritation stems from how much you identify with this person. In the meantime though, use it to your advantage that this one is a chronic self-contradictor. Recycle his bullshit into yours.

3) Avoiding eye contact with the TF after an impossible question’s been asked:

Head down. Write. Write as much as you can in that notebook of yours and don’t look up. This screams “genius-flowing-no-interruptions-plz.” Practice your signature or write down the name of every person you were smarter than in high school. By the time someone else has answered the question, you’ll be feeling like a winner again.

4) Dealing with “that kid.”

You should love that kid. Not because you can relate to him at all, but because his desire to hear his own voice has saved the section from the most uncomfortable silences imaginable at least three times a class for the entire semester. Give that kid a hug.

A final piece of advice: turn the volume down on your laptop. Nothing says “I’m not listening to a word you’re saying” like the ping of Gchat. That, and snoring.