Prestige and Mobility’s

Social life at Harvard is like Sever 113: you’re going to have to awkwardly step over some people to find your place. Punch season is no different. Being the veterans of three unsuccessful punch campaigns, we’d like to give you some tips. From the coveted first envelope to partying on your club’s lawn with the sleaziest pre-frosh to circling the globe in your club’s private hovercraft, Prestige and Mobility will go the extra mile.

For example, be conventional. Wear clothes that look like they cost $3, but are from an era where $3 bought a house. That means powdered wigs, pocket squares, and fine Umbrian cod pieces—all of which are assets on the punch scene, particularly at The Bee.

Show up early for the first mixer so you can greet the members as they arrive. Look sharp by wearing a white tie and bring markers to fill it in as you figure out the club’s colors. At the bar order “the club drink.” If the bartender doesn’t know what you’re talking about, ask for a new bartender.

As you mingle, make a splash with conversation topics like the Israel lobby, eating poor people, boat shoes, croquet mallet technology, and LOLcatz. When you shake a member’s hand, give him a firm wink and slip him a fiver. Make sure you’ve written a funny speech balloon coming out of Lincoln’s mouth. (Suggestion: “A club without [insert your name] cannot stand.”) Give him an extra copy of your résumé carried in your rolling backpack. (Mind the member’s shoes.) And if you don’t get an envelope for Round 2, slip your own envelopes under members’ doors with statements like, “Did you forget?” and “I need you.”

Now for the outing: gentlemen, grab your sunocles (sunocle = sunglass monocle). This round is all about confidence and fitting in. Remember they’re just as uncomfortable as you are. [citation needed]. Don’t make the same mistake we did. Chiappini still remembers lying on soft meadow grass with a Delphic member, remarking that a cloud looked like a bunny. The member retorted, “No, it’s a Delphic. They’re all Delphics.”

To always have a relevant conversation topic, bring along a talisman related to the club’s storied past. Grave robbing is encouraged. When conversation fails, take the initiative to start a Greco-Roman wrestling tournament. But bring your own oil, (Bilotti found that out the hard way). On the other hand, you could try a pie-eating contest. Only bring enough pies for yourself, so that the focus can be all on you.

Next comes the date event (and if you play your cards right, it could be the mate event...for whichever member goes home with your girlfriend). The date event is all about selecting the perfect girl. Find one that’s cute, but not too cute. Talkative, but not too talkative. Sultry, but not salty. Make sure she knows your back story: have her memorize your fictional genealogy and bring certificates to prove your earldom and castle ownership. If this is not enough of a splash to keep you in the game, we suggest that she come in a wheelchair, and when the moment is right give her “the signal” to stand up and boogie. Everybody loves an underdog. When dancing with her, grind in a clockwise manner as is befitting a gentleman.

Then comes the final dinner where they separate the men from the boys, the bourgeois from the landed gentry, the ribosomes from the other organelles. If you make it to the A.D.’s, prepare a brief treatise on the mating habits of speckled warblers native to the Pacific Rim. If you go to the Porcellian’s, bring extra copies of USA Today. For all the other clubs, blood diamonds should do.