POPSCREEN: Katy Perry

You are cordially invited to Katy Perry’s wedding, a wedding that boasts a not-so-straight bride, an adolescent-looking groom, a bridal party, and a zebra. As the baby-faced Alexander gets cold feet, the maid of honor—a not-so-handsome man in a very handsome dress—delivers the perfect “Oh my God, you scumbag; I can’t believe you haven’t answered yet” face. Then, as the bridal party inexplicably begins to dance, a black groomsman with the most awesome dreads pulls out the best dance moves of the entire crowd—he even beats the priest. You just don’t see that kind of intensity everyday.

As Alexander flees, he takes out his aggression on a giant hot dog, which is unfortunate, as starving kids in India would have rather enjoyed that meal. He gets his karmic retribution moments later when Katy Perry’s scary-ass entourage of similarly jilted brides begins to circle him, menacingly wielding baseball bats. The mascara-streaked faces and torn clothes are reminiscent of MJ’s “Thriller,” except these girls are a bit livelier. The emotional, “love bi-polar” brides are absolutely terrifying as they chase Alexander down an alley. I’m surprised the little boy didn’t start to cry.

But please note, ladies: I do think that Katy Perry steals her boy back with her crazy dance moves. She’s particularly stellar when she is surrounded by her crazy brides. However, it’s always disappointing to realize that, just because you are white, you will never be able to dance like her back-up singers do in the end. If I could moonwalk, I’d be the happiest girl in the world. Yet the whole moment of dance-induced euphoria is kind of ruined when Perry returns with the zebra. What the fuck is up with the zebra?

—Brianne Corcoran