From the Desk of (Your Name Here)

As the academic year continues, we are yet again beseeched by the UC to contribute $75 to the Student Life Fund. Problem number one: The Student Life Fund no longer funds student life (Thanks Pilbeam!). Problem number two: Now you have to send in a hand written letter in order to abstain from this donation. But don’t worry, FM comes to your rescue once again, with a simple template to facilitate your letter of rejection.

Dear Barry S. Kane:

I am writing to (ask for / request / demand / rhapsodize about the injustice of having to write a letter to ask for) a refund on my $75 contribution to the Undergraduate Council’s (puritanical / paternalistic / lame-sauce) Student Life Fund. Because the UC no longer distributes party grants, I must buy (Milwaukee’s Best / Bud Light / Malibu—but with PBR chasers, so it’s totally legit) using my own funds, which are (meager / paltry / as of a week ago, worth only 13 percent of their former value) to say the least.

The proposed use of these (so-called / quote / quote-unquote / lame-sauce) student life funds is (unfair / inequitable / not going to increase my self-confidence when I’m at the Ten-Man). So the money is going in part to house formals? What about the kids without tuxedoes? This policy clearly favors the (wealthy, who can readily afford tuxedos / middle-class, who save up for tuxedos / working-class, assuming they are paid-in-kind tuxedo-factory laborers). It would seem that party grants also served a limited populace, since statistics say that in 200 times only X percent of Harvard students drank alcohol. However, I believe much of this data is (outdated / skewed by observer bias / taken from a bunch of kids who wouldn’t know a party if it started grinding them from behind).

In conclusion, please (remit / refund / gimme back) my $75. I believe that writing this letter (has helped you better to understand my point of view / has helped me better to understand my point of view / could totally have been done electronically), and I think in the future I will (send an angry email over my house-list / use this as yet another rationalization for stealing dishware / transfer to a state school, where sources tell me alcohol rains from the sky).



Thank you for (your time / my money / being you),

(Your name here)