Everyone Smells Like Geritol. Except Barack Obama; Barack Obama Smells Like Oprah.

We know you’re busy during reading period, and probably don’t have much time for things like debates, and even less for actual world issues. Knowing this, FM rounded up a list of the things that really matter about the 2008 presidential gang.

Democrats

Hillary Clinton

(Senator from New York)

PRO: If she’ll cry for the primary, we’re excited for the main election.

CON: Reverse Monica Lewinsky scandal? Unfortunately, we don’t think that will happen.

Barack Obama

(Senator from Illinois)

PRO: Chi-town tested, Oprah Approved.

CON: We’re just not sure there’s a point to having a president you can’t make fun of easily.

John Edwards

(Senator from North Carolina)

PRO: Dimples that rival Shirley Temple’s.

CON: Used to be a malpractice attorney, adding to the stresses of already-harried pre-meds.

Dennis Kucinich

(Representative from Ohio)

PRO: Eco-friendly shower-heads for everyone!

CON: Eco-friendly shower-heads for everyone!



Mike Gravel

(Senator from Alaska)

PRO: Tells teens to do drugs.

CON: Will not get elected.

Republicans

Mitt Romney

(Governor of Massachusetts)

PRO: If all Mormons are like Napolean Dynamite, we’re on board.

CON: Least fun Mormon ever: upholds anti-alcohol position, renounces kinky potential of polygamy.

Mike Huckabee

(Governor of Arkansas)

PRO: Endorsed by Chuck Norris’s Right Leg.

CON: Chuck Norris would never write a book called “Quit Digging Your Grave with a Knife and Fork.”

John McCain

(Senator from Arizona)

PRO: Survived 5.5 years as a POW, making him officially more badass than 50 Cent.

CON: Is approximately 132 years old.



Fred Thompson

(Senator from Tennesse

PRO: Sexiest would-be First Lady.

CON: We’re just really sick of Law and Order.

Rudy Giuliani

(Mayor of New York City)

PRO: Is an honorary knight.

CON: Would probably lose in a joust to John McCain.

Ron Paul

(Representative from Texas)

PRO: Supports legalization of medicinal marijuana—and we thought term-billing massages at UHS was awesome.

CON: Libertarianism is SO Junior High.