Room Raiders, FM Style

Decorating a room can be tough. Decisions such as which posters to buy at the Coop, whether or not to get a TV, and whether bed risers are a delightful use of space (or just a drunken fort waiting to happen), are all serious questions that every undergrad has to grapple with at some point. Hitler posters and shrines to Barbra Streisand are usually good indicators of latent wacko tendencies (and bad b.o.), but extreme cases aside, how much does your room really say about you? In order to answer this question, FM grabbed two strangers and tested each on the other based solely on their rooms. Sort of like “Room Raiders,” but without the blacklight and awkward meeting at the end.


Artemisha S. Goldfeder ’10 on Bryan A. Haut ’08

1. Is this person male or female?
AG: Male.

2. What is this person’s favorite movie?
AG: Something classic…“Casablanca.”

3. If this person could have dinner with one famous person, dead or alive, who would it be?
AG: Jacques Cousteau.

4. If this person could have sex with one famous person, dead or alive, who would it be?
AG: Rita Hayworth.

5. What clubs does this person belong to?
AG: The Brewery Club.

6. If this person has a sexual fetish or fantasy, what would it be?
AG: To have sex in a bathtub full of fine beers.

7. What is this person concentrating in?
AG: History.

8. Has this person ever had sex? If so, when was the last time? Would this person answer this question?
AG: This person has a queen-sized bed. I don’t think you’d have a queen-sized bed unless you plan on using it, otherwise you could just use a twin, so I’d say recently.

9. If this person had an irrational phobia of something, what would it be?
AG: Ducks.

10. Is this person religious? If so, what religion?
AG: I do see a menorah…I’m going to say this person is Wiccan.

11. How often does this person get drunk?
AG: I think they’re into prohibition and never consume alcohol, especially not here.

12. What’s this person’s favorite food?
AG: Barley.

13. It’s Friday night. What is this person doing?
AG: This person is going out to bars and stealing coasters.

14. Rate the person on a study scale, with 1 being “Drinking Period ROCKS” and 10 being “When I Hear the Word Cabot, I Think Problem Sets.”
AG: 7.

15. If this person could be a vegetable, what vegetable would they be?
AG: I’m getting a carrot vibe. Solid vegetable, everybody likes it.

16. How much time does this person spend on Facebook a day?
AG: An hour.

17. What type of music does this person listen to?
AG: Polka.

18. Does this person read for fun? If so, what?
AG: Yeah, they read Calvin and Hobbes for fun.

19. What’s this person’s ideal date?
AG: To Tokyo—he takes Japanese, as I noted on his desk.

20. If this person could vacation anywhere, where would they go?
AG: Maybe to Germany during Oktoberfest.

21. Would you be friends with this person?
AG: Sure, yeah, I probably would be.

22. Would you date this person?
AG: Yeah, he’s got a queen-sized bed.


Bryan A. Haut ’08 on Bryan A. Haut ’08

1. Are you male or female?
BH: Male.

2. What’s your favorite movie?
BH: “Evil Dead 3: Army of Darkness.”

3. If you could have dinner with one famous person, dead or alive, who would it be?
BH: Benjamin Franklin.

4. If you could have sex with one famous person, dead or alive, who would it be?
BH: Benjamin Franklin.

5. What clubs do you belong to?
BH: Satire V, Swift, Lowell House Committee, Lowell House Crew.

6. If you have a sexual fetish or fantasy, what is it? Can it be Benjamin Franklin again?
BH: How about…on the pitcher’s mound at Fenway.

7. What are you concentrating in?
BH: Philosophy.

8. Have you ever had sex, and if so, when was the last time?
BH: Longer than I’d like. So more than 20 minutes ago.

9. Do you have an irrational phobia of anything, and if so, of what?
BH: Spiders. Shit terrified of spiders. Especially spiders that have clown faces on them.

10. Are you religious? If so, what religion do you practice?
BH: I’m Jewish.

11. How often do you get drunk?
BH: Twice a month. If we define month as every four days.

12. What’s your favorite food?
BH: Sushi.

13. It’s Friday night. What are you doing?
BH: I tend to take it easy because I tend to go out Thursday nights, so probably watching a movie with a friend.

14. Rate yourself on a study scale, with 1 being “Drinking Period ROCKS!” and 10 being “When I Hear the Word Cabot, I Think Problem Sets.”
BH: 5.

15. If you could be a vegetable, what vegetable would you be?
BH: Ronald Reagan.

16. How much time do you spend on Facebook a day?
BH: 15 minutes.

17. What type of music do you listen to?
BH: Broadly—punk, post punk, classic rock, jazz, acid jazz, house, drum and bass, the dulcet sounds of my roommate pleasuring his girlfriend.

18. Do you read for fun? If so, what?
BH: I read a lot of stuff—Hunter S. Thompson, Tim O’Brien, Patrick O’Brian, Terry Pratchett. I’m a giant nerd.

19. If you could go on a vacation anywhere, where would you go?
BH: Vietnam.

20. What’s your ideal date?
BH: A picnic dinner on Hollywood Boulevard, followed by going to Amoeba Records, followed by going over to the Santa Monica Pier and walking on Venice Beach and then probably getting beaten up by a homeless person if I’m on Venice Beach at night.


Bryan A. Haut ’08 on Artemisha S. Goldfeder ’10

1. Is this person male or female?
BH: Female—I hope so. If this isn’t a female, it’s a terrifying cross-dresser.

2. What is this person’s favorite movie?
BH: “Annie Hall.”

3. If this person could have dinner with one famous person, dead or alive, who would it be?
BH: Oscar Wilde.

4. If this person could have sex with one famous person, dead or alive, who would it be?
BH: Well, since Oscar Wilde isn’t buying what she’s selling—what I think she’s probably selling—then Louis XIV. That or his wife.

5. What clubs does this person belong to?
BH: One of the acting groups. Maybe she’s in Hasty Pudding.

6. If this person has a sexual fetish or fantasy, what would it be?
BH: Well there are a lot of masks on the wall so I’m going to go with a little bit of role playing.

7. What is this person concentrating in?
BH: English Lit and or WGS.

8. Has this person ever had sex? If so, when was the last time? Would this person answer this question?
BH: She has had sex, she’ll answer this question, but she hasn’t had sex since last semester.

9. If this person had an irrational phobia of something, what would it be?
BH: Well it’s not bats because she has bats on her wall. She seems a little terrifying. She’s afraid of sunlight?

10. Is this person religious? If so, what religion?
BH: Despite the Buddhist and some Hindu symbols, I don’t think she’s actually Buddhist, I think she’s going to say she’s not religious.

11. How often does this person get drunk?
BH: Not that often—I’d say she probably doesn’t get really wasted, probably just a little buzzed.

12. What’s this person’s favorite food?
BH: Indian.

13. It’s Friday night. What is this person doing?
BH: Sobbing to herself quietly. No, she’s getting all dressed up, but I don’t think she goes to finals clubs—maybe clubbing downtown.

14. Rate the person on a study scale, with 1 being “Drinking Period ROCKS!” and 10 being “When I Hear the Word Cabot, I Think Problem Sets.”
BH: Well, her desk is covered in clothing so probably 3.

15. If this person could be a vegetable, what vegetable would they be?
BH: Something kind of dark, like an eggplant. Is an eggplant a vegetable?

16. How much time does this person spend on Facebook a day?
BH: I don’t think much at all.

17. What type of music does this person listen to?
BH: 80s.

18. Does this person read for fun? If so, what?
BH: Yes, she does. She has a couple of books about lucid dreams and how to design shirts—hippie-ish, new age stuff.

19. If this person could vacation anywhere, where would they go?
BH: France or Italy but also somewhere like India or Laos or Thailand.

20. What’s this person’s ideal date?
BH: Going to the theatre.

21. Would you be friends with this person?
BH: I think so but I think I’d make fun of her a lot…so yeah, if she’d be cool with that.

22. Would you date this person?
BH: I don’t think so, but that’s really superficial. I don’t know…any interest?


Artemisha S. Goldfeder ’10 on Artemisha S. Goldfeder ’10

1. Are you male or female?
AG: Female.

2. What’s your favorite movie?
AG: “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”

3. If you could have dinner with one famous person, dead or alive, who would it be?
AG: Johnny Depp.

4. If you could have sex with one famous person, dead or alive, who would it be?
AG: Dr. Ruth—she probably knows what’s up.

5. What clubs do you belong to?
AG: Fencing team.

6. If you have a sexual fetish or fantasy, what is it?
AG: I’m really attracted to boots. If a guy has sick boots, I can’t do anything to restrain myself.

7. What are you concentrating in?
AG: Hist and Lit.

8. Have you ever had sex, and if so, when was the last time?
AG: August.

9. Do you have an irrational phobia of anything, and if so, of what?
AG: The dentist. I’m afraid of getting my teeth cleaned.

10. Are you religious? If so, what religion do you practice?
AG: I was raised Zen Buddhist.

11. How often do you get drunk?
AG: Um…I’m not getting drunk today.

12. What’s your favorite food?
AG: Pomegranate.

13. It’s Friday night. What are you doing?
AG: Probably dressing up to get drunk.

14. Rate yourself on a study scale, with 1 being “Drinking Period ROCKS!” and 10 being “When I Hear the Word Cabot, I Think Problem Sets.”?
AG: 6. Reading period is like “Let’s Go Into Boston” time.

15. If you could be a vegetable, what vegetable would you be?
AG: Asparagus because then I would make everyone’s pee smell bad…so they’ll remember me next time they go to the bathroom.

16. How much time do you spend on Facebook a day?
AG: 10 minutes.

17. What type of music do you listen to?
AG: Cat Stevens, LCD Soundsystem.

18. Do you read for fun? If so, what?
AG: Yeah—“The Art of Lucid Dreaming.” I’d really like to lucidly dream but I can’t.

19. If you could go on a vacation anywhere, where would you go?
AG: Martinique.

20. What’s your ideal date?
AG: I would plan none of it. The best date I’ve ever been asked out on was to a fluff convention…an entire convention about fluff, that marshmallow shit.