The State School Guide to Reading Period

Hey pussies! So I hear you’re done with DRINKING period. That means it’s time for DRINKING finals period. Here are a few tips to make your life a little bit less awful.

You could pregame your finals, but the game itself is a final—worst! Drink straight through every test you take.

Some people use Lamont to study. Congress should pass a law that says these people are flat-out not allowed to live. If you go to the second floor of Lamont, you can watch hardcore pornography on the televisions while drinking yourself to finals glory. Congress should pass a law that says this is awesome.

Some people have papers due during finals period, and they spend all their time writing those papers—while drunk! Hey Poindexter, why don’t you crawl back in the womb where you won’t have to have any motherfucking fun? To be on the cutting edge of rage, don’t bother drinking before you have a paper to write. Go straight for the good stuff: I write all my papers on opium, and I haven’t looked back since. This one time, I wrote a paper on the opium wars, and I was high on—you guessed it—GHB. I kind of wish I had been on opium for that one.