FM’s War Bureau: Battle Updates/Roll of Honour

LOWELL, River West—The courtyards of Lowell are silent today after heavy fighting this afternoon, when a group of Winthropians became caught between two Dunster artillery emplacements at 1 p.m. By 5 p.m., every Winthropian was dead or dying, and the brigadier general commanding the Dunster forces ordered his men to kill the survivors.

The Winthrop army raised a white flag at 2:30 p.m., but the time when the twelve Houses took prisoners is nothing more than a memory now, more than a week into the wildly well-attended war that engulfed the Harvard campus without warning. College Events Board (CEB) Chair S. Adam Goldenberg ’08 and Campus Life Fellow John T. Drake ’06, who planned the activity as some sort of war game, were both killed when an Adams group calling themselves “The Black Hand” threw hand grenades into their closed car on Tuesday. Since then, the war has raged without pause.

CEB Vice-Chair C. Kai Wu ’09 is reportedly in hiding in Mather-occupied River East. Orders to shoot him on sight have been issued by most of the remaining House Committees (HoCos).

Calls for peace have gone unheeded. In Leverett-occupied Radcliffe today, a large group of demonstrators was dispersed by a battalion of crack riflemen, with civilian casualties estimated to be in the low hundreds. Spokespeople from the Leverett Home Ministry declined repeated requests for comment.

By definition, an army is composed of two or more corps, which are made of two or more divisions. The typical division contains 10,000 to 20,000 men. Thus, one can safely estimate that there are upwards of one hundred million men under arms at the moment, with about thirty million casualties every few hours. If the war continues for a few days longer, its death toll will surpass every other war in human history, combined.

In Hilles today, the Quincy HoCo lynched several citizens who had “Currierite features.” Currier House was eliminated early in the war, and a wholesale genocide is considered to have wiped out the entire race.

With the balance of power between several Houses still fairly equal, there is no end to the war in sight. Campus religious groups are preparing their flocks for what many believe will be the long, desperate night that precedes the end of the world.