And Now, the Real News

While it may seem that the world is only composed of Lamont Cafe lattes and the unattractive residents of Cabot Science Library, outside the walls of Widener, there are people with lives far more interesting than your own. Forget French Presidential elections (can you say “Ennuyeux!”); FM will tell you all you need to know to stay an informed citizen.

Topping the headlines this week is news of party princess Paris Hilton’s prison sentence—23 days for violating her probation. The heiress will have to do hard time at the Century Regional Detention Center in Lynwood, Calif., starting June 5. Paris was arrested by the LAPD for speeding, driving without her headlights on, driving on a suspended license, and failing to register in an alcohol education program. According to the always reputable Star Magazine, a grim life full of bad food, violent gang members and rat-infested rooms awaits the former Simple Life star. Lowell, anyone?

But Paris isn’t the only one who likes to down cosmos before getting behind the wheel. Tygert “Ty” Pennington, the host of “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”, was arrested in L.A. last Saturday morning for driving under the influence. The 41-year-old carpenter (remember Trading Spaces?) was found to have a blood alcohol concentration of 0.14 and was later released on a $5,000 bail. He issued a public apology soon after and already a petition is circulating to protect his job. But honestly, if you had to build houses every week for a family of sixteen Moldavian refugees whose parents died in a freak gasoline fight, you’d probably be hitting the bottle pretty hard as well.

Last but certainly not least, Britney Spears is back in the news with her “comeback tour” kicking off at the House of Blues in San Diego. She lip-synched for around 15 minutes in front of a more than slightly disappointed full house. In other news, she is also rumored to be dating Howie Day, who she met in rehab. After most of America thought she could do no worse after Kevin Federline, Britney has once again defied expectations.

Oh, and three months after she got out of rehab, video footage of Lindsay Lohan snorting cocaine has surfaced on the Internet. Shocker...not.