Bell Lap 2: Quad? Whatev, They All Suck

Freshmen, by the time you read this you probably already know your fate. And if you don’t know yet, we’ll tell you right now: it sucks. Unless the letter you received this morning informing you of your housing assignment reads “Dudley Coop” there’s a 90 percent chance you’ll spend the next three years looking at hardcore internet porn. If it does read “Dudley Coop,” then there’s a 90 percent chance you’ll spend the next three years at SuicideGirls.com. Twelve completely uncreative and unfunny t-shirts will confirm the spirit-crushing squalor of house life on Thursday morning.

The worse thing about your future house is that your blockmates will be there too, leaving you pining for your old psycho-single in Hurlbut. Trust us; you are more likely to enter a meaningful relationship with someone through a pregnancy scare than a blocking group. And you are more likely to have a pregnancy scare by going to your professor’s office hours than by going out on a Friday night. Though we profess mastery in most areas of life, we were not immune to distressingly poor decision making when we formed our blocking groups. Peter blocked with two sycophant pussies, a kid with the mind of a seven-year old, a Jew, and a bi-courteous guy. Just to keep sane, Peter spends 60 hours per week in “Second Life” doing Linden Dollar arbitrage. DA blocked with five black guys, and you can imagine how that turned out. Now he won’t even go to the dining hall without using half a bottle of cocoa butter.

You have already chosen your blocking group, so kudos; you now have one of the worst decisions of your life behind you. Or, you got blockstabbed (1) once or twice and ended up turning in a tear-soaked floater form. If so, good for you, you won’t force any blockmates to fake grief when they find you decomposing at your desk after a three week-long “World of Warcraft” session. If you have any redeeming physical characteristics, then you probably spent the last few weeks hand-selecting other “beautiful” people to block with. Congratulations, you’re a total fugmo (2) in the real world. And if you were really lucky you got so wasted last night doing shots in house courtyards that you hooked up with one of your future roommates. Whether this occurred across the sexes or between them, it made for a really gay (3) night, but now you have an excuse to never speak to them again. Bonus!

In deference to our Bell Lap forebears, we admit to the sad truth that residential life at Harvard sucks. There are many ways to cope with this, but most people just overcompensate. The two most popular options are getting blackout and trying to hook up with busted girls and butter-bodies (see Bell Lap 1), or joining student groups that celebrate every stereotype you spent your high-school years trying to avoid (see every minority group on campus). No matter how much wisdom butter Harvard students rub on themselves, social interactions will be as insufficiently lubricated as the awkward snakebite-style handjobs you and your roommate exchanged last night. There’s a good solution to this, but Stillman Infirmary limits “vacations” to a week in length. So just give up, surrender, and enjoy the gayest day of your life.



FOOTNOTES:

1. Blockstab – v. to engage in any lying, deceit or betrayal associated with blocking

2. Fugmo - n. super ugly person, probably with a snaggletooth, the complete

opposite of the lovely Derek C. Bok

3. Gay – adj. used to describe anything negative