2010: You Got Housed!

ADAMS: Brain Break patrol and alley-like outdoor “patio” be damned, Adams is by far the classiest of the Houses. Drink yourself into a rosy stupor with Adams House resident oenophiles/wine stewards, smirk at your cool indoor courtyard, and practice throwing the gallery openings you were born for in the Artspace. Just get ready to elbow your way into the outsider-infested dining hall and be prepared for the sorriest excuse of a salad bar you’ll ever see.

CABOT: You’ve never heard of Cabot? Have you heard of the Quad? Know all those buildings surrounding the grassy part? Welcome home. Cabot boasts some of the nicest suites at Harvard, and its low-ceilinged dining hall, while far from showing Harvard charm, is quite sociable. Look forward to parties in the Library Suite, great beer at Stein Club, and the long walk to and from classes each day.

CURRIER: Have you ever stayed in a skeevy motel? Have you ever lived in one? Welcome to Currier, home of the single. You’ll probably enjoy your three years in Currier’s sprawling, comfortable accomodations—most Currierites seem to. And you’ll probably catch an STD at one of Currier’s sweaty filthy parties in its various living rooms—most Currierites seem to.

DUNSTER: Let’s be honest, generally Dunster kinda bites. But crappy housing and Quad-like distance from the Yard (minus the Quad-like parties) at least makes for good house dynamics, if not commiserative bonding. Rumor always has it that Dunster’s masters, the Porters, are the reason Funster is so unfun. If the rumor isn’t true, Dunsterites really have no excuse.

ELIOT: Eliot is home to Master Lino, who gives speeches about Dante and Charles Eliot flying over the Charles together at random, wine-sodden special dinners. The linoleum floors are straight out of the projects and the JCR is always booked, but at least you have the “Eliot House Mafia,” otherwise known as the Resident tutors, to get your back in your wars against the unfriendly dining staff.

KIRKLAND: Kirkland House does seem to have it all: convenient location, coveted dining hall, solid IMs. Still, this picture-perfect residence does hold on to one suspicious tradition—Incest-Fest. What is it? Believe me, you don’t even want to know.

LEVERETT: Leverett is famous for its 80s dance, its physics-related study breaks, and not much else. A nice dining hall (often filled with DeWolves at mealtimes) and comfortable digs make Leverett a fine, if inconspicuous, place to spend three years.

LOWELL: Ah, Lowell. So pretty—that bell tower, those chandeliers! So shitty—the rooms, so poorly laid-out as to be almost laughable, are among the worst on the River. The themed Stein Clubs are an acquired taste, but House pride is strong and the students love their masters.

MATHER: Mather is fugly, inside and out. But contained in the fugliness are comfortable rooms and great house spirit. You’ll likely come to like Mather House, though your friends won’t know why, and will likely respect you less for it. Plus, you get to be friends with Undergraduate Council Vice President Matt Sundquist (though chances are, he was friends with you already).

PFORZHEIMER: Despite the success of the 90s dance, PfoHo has gained a reputation for becoming less fun in recent years. The days of campus-wide bangers in the Bell Tower and the Meat Locker every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday have passed, and their Masters killed their Harvard-Yale pre-party just as it was taking off the ground. But the PfoHo Pfreshmen will be able to turn that around, right?

QUINCY: Renowned for its crowded dining hall and balcony ragers, Quincy House definitely has spirit. It also has one of the only grilles open for weekend drunken munchies. While undeniably lacking the charm of its sister river dwellings, New Quincy has great housing.

WINTHROP: John Winthrop House has the most riverfront property of all the River Houses, and the most impressive collection of dead white men on its walls. Enjoy the view of the Charles—it’s just about the only thing going for the 4x4 doubles.