15 Ways to Get House Shirts

Today, hundreds of new Quadlings will be crushed by their impending exile, while scores of future river residents face years of cramped confinement. But that’s not what Housing Day is about. It’s about the swag. Here’s how to get it all:

1) Go naked. Your winter pastiness should be enough to have people literally throwing shirts at you.

2) Hit up the blocking day Stein Club circuit. Extra perk: free beer.

3) Start your own non-profit claiming to bring Harvard House t-shirts to third-world countries.

4) Surreptitiously sneak under the table and blow the shirt distributors.

5) Go into I-Banking. This delightfully vague Harvard classic seems to be a solution for everything. The more successful you are, the more bribes (read: t-shirts) you’ll receive.

6) Disguise yourself as a janitor and snag some tees during the post-game cleanup.

7) Unleash your inner klepto and steal each house’s mascot costume. The bathroom in the Berg is located in the basement. Some quick costume changes, and sneaky table rotations should do the trick.

8) Steal a box of your house’s t-shirts. Initiate a post-soccer game style exchange aimed at upperclassmen whose current collection of house tees does not need expansion.

9) Forge a note from the Center for Health and Wellness saying that medical conditions necessitate you receive one t-shirt for each of your 12 personalities. Threaten to sue if the insensitive bastards say no.

10) Pull the fire alarm in Annenberg—jack some shirts during the confusion. Multiple alarms may be necessary.

11) Pretend like you know the person handing out the t-shirts and make them feel really awkward for not remembering your name. They’ll probably feel too guilty to not give you a shirt.

12) Freshwomen: Chat up the guys—it’s okay to accept t-shirts...you can’t roofie cotton.

13) Freshmen: You’re still not an upperclassman, you still can’t get into parties, and girls don’t really like younger men (Madonna is an exception...trust us). Tough luck.

14) Faust mask (See FM Feb. 15 issue). ‘Nuff said.

15) Target the drunken House Masters. With gift of Johnny Walker Blue Label in hand, tell them how crushed you are that you wont be spending the next semester in the “Best House,” and that you are transferring first chance you get. Trust us, they wont be able to resist you. Extra points for actual tears.