There Is No 'I' In Batman

It’s appalling the way people think they can just run for President.

Take, for example, Barack “Terrorist” Obama. We know your middle name is Hussein, man. Sure, he has great academic credentials—if you think attending an Indonesian school counts as academic. What’s to keep him from putting a jihad on the American people?

Then, of course, there’s Hillary “Pantsuit” Clinton. Does she really think that what the voters want is a woman commander in chief? What would we call her, anyway? The commanding chieftess? Would Bill be First Gentleman? Let’s face it: the only position a woman has in the Oval Office is on her knees.

Not that the Republican candidates are any better. John McCain is a maverick—no thanks. Rudy Giuliani is a cheating divorcee—not much of a family man, but what would you expect from an Italian? And Mitt Romney is a Mormon—enough said.

What we need to do is to step back and take a look at the issues from a clear, unbiased perspective. We need to ask ourselves, what are the personal qualities that we need from an American president? After all, being a president is all about flashing that personality.

Thinking about it with a cool head, it becomes obvious that only one candidate, above all, is qualified to address the challenges facing America today. His strong leadership skills will help him shape America into a safer, stronger nation. He embodies all the most important qualities: hard work, perseverance and conviction.

With this in mind, I would like to be the first to publicly endorse the candidate who will surely lead our country in 2008: Batman.

Now, Batman is an everyday man, just like you and me. He has no special powers—he is a self-made man, the American dream. He may have been born into privilege, but the early death of his parents was a trial that truly tested his fortitude. Some individuals with less personal strength would have been shattered by the blow. But rather than crumble under the misery, he pulled himself up by his bootstraps and made something constructive out of his despair. Now, that’s what I call rugged individualism.

Even better, Batman understands both the strife of the white-collar elite and the pressures of the blue-collar man. By day, he is the CEO and president of Wayne Enterprises, one of the most efficiently run multi-billion dollar corporations in the world. By night, he deals head-on with the types of criminal activity that plague so many lower-class communities. He understands you, whoever you are and whatever part of our glorious nation you come from.

Batman also has a plan for Iraq. He understands that it is not enough to send our brave boys out to fight the spread of Terror with training in criminology, martial arts and forensics. We must strike Terror into the hearts of our enemies by adopting the disguise of a weird half-human, half-bat creature of the night. Batman intends to equip every bold American soldier with Batgear and a Batmobile, so that we can effectively win the war in Iraq. It’s only what our troops deserve in their battle to rid the world of evil.

So I urge you, fellow citizens, make the right decision in 2008: Vote Batman. I don’t know who he is behind that mask of his, but I do know that America needs him—and needs him now!



Sarah C. McKetta ’09, a Crimson editorial editor, is an anthropology concentrator in Winthrop House.