Trailer Roundup, Round Six

The Number 23

Celluloid Gold

I really have to remind you about the purpose of “Trailer Roundup” on this one: We’re evaluating the trailer, not the movie. This movie can only be awful. But please, for the love of all that is holy, see the trailer. If you think of it as an intentionally funny two-minute movie, you’ll have a rollicking good time. Jim Carrey finds about the eponymous number; madness ensues.

Someone professorial-looking reminds him that two divided by three is “666—the sign of the devil.” Last time I checked, two divided by three was .6 repeating. I didn’t know Satan had an infinitely long string of decimals for his sign! Good for Satan! Soon, our hero is linking everything (Hiroshima, his birthday, things he sees at the park) to the number. Ugh, I can’t describe this trailer. Just watch it and prepare to laugh at Jim Carrey for the first time since “The Mask.”



Grindhouse

Future Uncertain

There’s only so much of Quentin Tarantino’s bullshit that I can put up with. Look—I loved “Kill Bill” as much as the next guy, but dude is reeeeally taking the whole “Look at me! I know that I’m making movies that are throwbacks to old genre films you probably haven’t seen!” thing to an irritating degree. So, this movie is, according to the trailer, two movies—one by Robert Rodriguez and one by Tarantino. Begrudgingly, I have to admit that the trailer has some great lines, and there’s a girl with a machine gun for a leg, which kind of gives me a boner. But I’m frustrated with myself for giving Tarantino my attention and devotion. He’s tricked me into enjoying this trailer, dammit.

Anyway, other than the boner-inducing lady, you also get faux-grainy footage, zombies, and Kurt Russell. Now that guy, I’d pay to see. “Escape From New York” is a forgotten classic, yo.



Ocean’s 13

Trailer Trash

Oh, Jesus H. Christ on a crutch. For one thing, the trailer doesn’t even live up to the basic level of slickness that you’d expect from a trailer in the “Ocean’s Insert Number Here” series. The clip moves at an almost glacial pace, apparently assuming that we’ll just be so horny to see Brad and George that we’ll want to look at them in static shots for seconds at a time. Oooh! Look, it’s Al Pacino! He is an eminent actor, right? Yeah, well, Al Pacino’s in a lot of stuff. Remember 2004’s “People I Know?” No, nobody does. Pacino does not a good movie make. At least Bernie Mac’s in this one. That guy’s hilarious.