SCREENSHOTS: 'Closer'

Although the calendar said that this past Wednesday was Valentine’s Day, many of us observed a different holiday: S.A.D.—Singles Awareness Day. Despite constant repetition of the mantra “Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark scam,” we spent the day in secret, inconsolable inner turmoil. Now that the weekend is here, we can finally take advantage of that tried and true emotional balm: alcohol.

And what better way to enjoy our loneliness than with a bottle of pink champagne (or any spirituous beverage), and the 2004 romantic tragedy “Closer.” Pop the cork and let the bubbles carry you away.



1. Drink every time Jude Law looks pretty and confused at the same time.



2. Drink two shots when Law and Julia Roberts kiss the first time. For singles, this scene is like pouring lemon juice on a wound, so you’ll need the anesthesia.



3. Drink every time Natalie Portman’s ’03 hairstyle changes. Why does everything look good on her? Maybe that’s why she has a boyfriend...



4. Race to see how much champagne you can down in the time it takes Clive Owen to figure out that he’s dirty-talking a stranger (Roberts). Then take a shot because she falls for him anyway.



5. Drink every time Owen uses the word “fuck” or makes otherwise crude sexual references in the big blow-up scene with Roberts. Know your limit: this is a lot of drinking.



6. Take a breather while Portman and Law are back together—it’s not that great a scene, and there are better things to come. (Don’t worry, you’ll be drinking again soon.)



7. Gaze mesmerized at the screen, unable to lift your drink, while Portman sexy-dances for Owen—gay or straight, you’ll find yourself highly aroused.



8. Mix yourself a nice, large, self-satisfied cocktail the moment you realize that none of these people will ever be happy because they are all stupid and mean.



9. Drink every time this movie makes you glad to be single. You may have to use an intravenous drip for the last fifteen minutes, but it’s worth it.



—Jillian J. Goodman