Porn Kills.

“Lord of the G-Strings,” “It’s a Cumderful Life,” “Lawrence of a Labia”—the back-room staples of your local video store have helped to fuel the booming business of pornography, providing hours of sticky satisfaction to everyone from your HistB TF (have fun in section) to your suitemate (a tie on the door doesn’t always mean there are visitors). But “Pornography and Relationships,” an address delivered last Thursday by Gail Dines, professor of sociology and women’s studies at Wheelock College, made every man and hand (Dines neglected to mention the finger tricks of the fairer sex) uncomfortable about ever enjoying these cinematic features again.

“Every time you jerk off to porn, on some level you are jerking off to some woman’s misery,” Dines said.

Dines lambasted the very icons of American “slut culture,” from Britney (“the trash can of our culture”) to Pamela Anderson (“no woman has done more to conform to patriarchy than Pamela”).

Even Sports Illustrated, generally not considered the raunchiest of magazines, earned her wrath.

“They ignore women’s sports for 11 months out of the year, and then for one month we become the sport,” she said of the (in)famous swimsuit issue.

One female audience member dared object to Dine’s tirade on the “invisibility” of women who did not conform to the slut culture, suggesting that these women bring it upon themselves by masking their femininity with pants suits and unfashionable haircuts.

“They don’t look female to me,” she said.

Dines, however, was having none of it: “When I was in the more fuckable age people didn’t say, ‘Oh my god, look at the Ph.D. she’s got!’”

In her slideshow of sin, no genre of porn was left untouched as Dines displayed advertisements from sites for fetishes such as anal sex, incest, and “ass-to-mouth” pornography, where the woman must “literally eat her own shit.”

Time to go purge your Internet browsing history.