Please, Never Wear Leggings Again

What is the dealio with you people?

Honestly, if all of you are going to keep wearing leggings in spite of the fact that they are (a) out of style, (b) unflattering to most body types, (c) reminiscent of a time on “Saved by the Bell” when Kelly and the girl who was in “Showgirls” decide to put on a secret talent show at Max’s Diner, then I can’t help you anymore. I am only one person; a small, powerless female, in fact. I have already written two articles on this subject of leggings, two years in a row.

I feel like Leonardo DiCaprio must have felt after he produced and starred in that weird, scary environmental documentary, “The 11th Hour.” No one went to it, even though he promoted it tirelessly, saying merely, “I’m curious about the environment,” in a self-deprecatory way. As if to add insult to injury, Norway gave Al Gore ’69 the Peace Prize and Leo’s Victoria Secret model girlfriend got married to someone else to avoid military duty in Israel. I feel just as underappreciated and disregarded.

I realized that my role in the community meant nothing the other day when I was walking down JFK St. trying to get bubble tea and I saw a girl in leggings walking her dog.

“Fine,” I said to myself. “Maybe she just had some leggings lying around and she felt it would be a good dog-walking outfit. It’s not like everyone dresses up like Cruella de Vil when they walk dogs.”

I walked contentedly on, deciding that I was going to swing by CVS to get US Magazine and some Twizzlers instead of bubble tea. And then I saw it. Leggings were everywhere. Leggings tucked into boots. Leggings with a dress. Leggings under a gigantic oversized shirt with a silkscreen of Blondie’s face.

“What the hell?” I muttered under my breath. “Screw my thesis. I am going to investigate this!”

I sat outside, on a bench near Peet’s Coffee, while a white guy in dreadlocks serenaded me with an off-key rendition of “Lover, You Should’ve Come Over.” I counted 25 separate women with leggings on, and two men. I got a bubble tea to calm myself.

Why are Harvard students all so contrary? Just when leggings are declared dead, over, and gone for good by every fashion magazine, Web site, and prescriptive literature pamphlet imaginable, Harvard children now decide they want to buy a pair. The last time I checked, stores don’t even sell them anymore, which means that you went online to find to find your leggings.

The decision to wear leggings, I suppose, can be interpreted as a positive sign. It smacks of a revolutionary spirit which you all so conspicuously lack. However, it is still unacceptable, and I will not stand for it.

THREE TIPS ON NEVER WEARING LEGGINGS AGAIN:

1. Maybe you bought a dress. Don’t wear leggings with it.

2. Maybe you own a shirt that is sort of long, but not long enough to stop the paparazzi glancing at your nether regions. Burn it, and don’t wear leggings.

3. Maybe you have a friend who wears leggings. Don’t be that person’s friend.

—Staff writer Rebecca M. Harrington can be reached at harring@fas.harvard.edu.