Backstreet Boys

Oh, Boys, Boys, Boys. How far you have fallen from grace.

I speak of the Backstreet Boys, of course, who reunite on their sixth studio album, “Unbreakable.” The album is the first new material from the Backstreet Boys in two years, and the first project since Kevin Richardson departed the group.

Nothing would please me more than to report that the Backstreet Boys had produced an album that reattained their infectious pop peak, complete with shimmy-inducing songs of unrequited love and perhaps a chart-topping ballad or two.

Unfortunately, those who remember the heartthrob heyday of the Backstreet Boys (who can forget the rain sequence in the music video for “Quit Playing Games With My Heart”?) will be sorely disappointed. The pseudo-sincerity and saccharine factor runs high on “Unbreakable;” the pop ditties are notably absent.

But at least the Boys are consistent: “Unbreakable” is a lackluster disappointment from the get-go. The first track, “Intro,” is a departure from their usual heavily-synthesized style. Here, the Backstreet Boys seem to be capitalizing on the soulful style popularized by John Legend. It’s a beautiful style in the right hands, but falls short of the mark when a boy band attempts a capella soul. AJ McLean’s soaring vocals—backed by the Boys’ humming—are positively contrived.

The Backstreet Boys’ biggest downfall is their inability or unwillingness to let go of the serious schtick. The album is not fun, unapologetically poppy, or silly by any stretch of the imagination. Out of the 17 songs on the album, 12 are nauseatingly earnest slow songs. “Unbreakable” clearly demonstrates that an entire album of synthesized boy band angst is just not a pretty listen.

The Backstreet Boys didn’t seem to get the memo that they’re an aging boy band, not a collection of inspired musical artists. They appear to be operating under the premise that they are, in fact, still in their mid-twenties and one of the hottest bands alive.

I certainly would have enjoyed grooving to such tracks as “Panic” and “Treat Me Right” back in 1997 when I was rocking my latest polyester selection from the Rave. Fast-forward ten years, and I’m just left uncomfortable. New heights of awkward are reached in “Everything But Mine,” when the group starts spouting such innuendos as “I’m gonna leave the light on / And I won’t let you down.” I dare you to keep a straight face when the Boys sing “She opens up just like a rose to me / When she’s close to me” in “Helpless When She Smiles.”

Of the up-tempo dance tracks, “Panic” is the most promising for a much-needed top-40 single, with a catchy beat and surprisingly appealing vocal layering. Still, “Panic” is held back—as are all the tracks—by an overproduced, synthesized sound. This highly manufactured style may have worked in the mid-nineties at the height of their popularity, but it just feels bogus and dated in 2007.

“One in a Million” epitomizes the corny sound that dominates “Unbreakable.” AJ’s drawled delivery of the lyrics, the strumming synthesized guitar, and crooning accompaniment of the remaining Boys results in a sickly amalgamation of sounds.

“Unbreakable” appears to have been produced in an uninspired pop music factory. The lack of variation from song to song is actually astonishing. “Inconsolable” features the Boys belting out the line “I don’t wanna waste another day,” over a swelling piano and strumming guitar. The very next song on the album, “Something That I Already Know,” features the Boys crooning “I don’t wanna wait another minute” with the exact same notes and tempo. I thought I had accidentally set the song on repeat.

Ultimately, despite its thorough badness, “Unbreakable” stands a chance for commercial success. After all, Backstreet Boys fan groups still are in existence out there, somewhere. Right?